There and Back Again
by the ice cream assassin
Summary: After 40+ years a Jedi wakes from stasis to find herself in the days of the New Rebublic. Can she regain herself in time to find her last true friend or will her fall to the Dark Side be final? COMPLETE! Adventure/humor/angst; new character; some slash
1. Chapter 1 - Awaken

**Chapter 1**   
  
  


Floating.

I was floating.

That's the best way I can describe it. At the time, I didn't care why I was there. It was like a big, soft blanket had been pulled over my mind, making me feel safe. I could see nothing but blackness, hear nothing but the distent flow of the Force and feel nothing but comfort and warmpth. It was like I had reached Heaven.

I didnt care how I had gotten there, or why, but that fact that I was there was plenty enough. I don't know how long I stayed in that place; the thought never crossed my mind. I didnt think, I just was. It was perfect.

Then I felt myself floating up, and the serene darkness around me began to dissolve. I tried to fight my way back down into the peaceful slumber, but the more I stuggled, the more I found myself chilled and being pulled away. A brightness made itself known, and I shyed away from it. I tried to bring my hands up before my eyes, but they wouldn't move. It was then I realized that my eyes were closed all along.

I shook my body against my restraints, but my arms and legs felt like jelly. A distant, vaugely familiar presence was near, but I didnt care. I just wanted back into that peacefull sleep I had known.

The light grew brighter, and soon I was shivering. Something hard was against my back and I again tried my restraints. It was like something was tangled around me. I fought off panic when I realized I didn't know what was happening then, or what had happened before that.

I tried my voice, but all I could manage was a moan. That sound alone seemed to push me farther toward the panic.

I stuggled agian, straining to hear or speak. I wanted out of this, and for a moment, I opened my eyes.

The light blinded me so I shut them tightly, intinctavly pulling my arms up to my face.

But they were still bound by something.

Then the pain set in. It came sharply at first, like someone just dropped me into a pit filled with palpable energy. Then there was nothing but a gaping hole inside of me. I reached out along the flow of the Force and found that vaugly familiar presence again and tried to place it. I couldnt, though my mind seemed to be looking for someone else.

Nothing.

I couldn't feel who ever my mind was searching for, and the emptiness I felt made me cry out.

"No..." A distant female voice croaked. She sounded like she hadn't spoken in years. Was that me?

"No, no... NO!"

My eyes flew open as I tried to sit up. My world had become inner pain, an emptiness through the Force that suggested I was alone, and yet I was being shaken by hands on my shoulders. I tried my eyes agian. 

The light around me made me blink, and I think I was screaming because of the way panic was thick in the room. I could only see blurred shapes, and nothing of the person whose hands were on my shoulders. I felt like I was spinning out of control.

_Sleep._

The single word pressed itself into my mind, and I gave into the power of the voice who spoke it.

I fell back into darkness, welcoming the release.

~~`~{@

Force. Mind. Body. Sound. Touch...

I was laying on something hard, like stone. I could hear voices, but my brain was far too fogged to understand what they were saying. My body felt like jelly when I tried to move my hands and legs, but it also felt like it weighed a million tons. My mind was closed, and shallow. Like I could only access part of what I should.

And the Force...

I felt nothing from the Force.

That relazation made me slowly open my eyes. This time, the light was dim and I was able to make out the corner of a room made of stone.

I found my voice. "Uhhh.... mmm..."

Ok, I found something in my throat that could make sound, anyway. The voices around me stopped.

"... awake..." I understood one of the words they had said. Lolling my head to face them, I blinked and managed a ragged breath.

"... get... Skywalker..." Wow, I understood two words from the other. What an improvment. But Skywalker, is that what he said? The name, presumably, seemed so familiar.

I heard a set of foot steps leaving the room, and the other one coming towards me. I tried to move my arms agian, but they were still tangled around something. I looked down at my body and tried to blink my eyes into focas. It didn't work too well, though.

The person who now stood above me was speaking, but I couldn't make out what they were saying. Just friendliness I felt from what I could tell was a 'she'.

Then two more sets of footfalls came into the room and I saw the girl turn away. Piercing blue eyes came into view, and I felt at home for a moment. Where had I seen those eyes before?

Words began to make sence as the figure above me spoke.

"... I'm saying? Do you speak Basic?"

I managed a nod. I tried to move my hands again, and looked down to see that I was not bound, but rather I was tangled in thin, white sheets.

The figure--a man from what I could tell--helped me into a sitting position. I pushed my still-jelly-like legs over the table and leaned my head against his chest. This was the familier presence I had felt, and the voice that had told me to sleep again.

I sighed. "Where..." I whispered. I was already exhasted by the effort of sitting up. Then my eyes snapped open and I realized what was happening.

I leaned back away from the man sharply, and tried to stand. This proved useless, because I sank to the floor. I fumbled at my right hip for my blaster, then my left for my lightsaber. Both were gone.

"Where am I?" I growled as the man tried to help me to my feet. I couldn't stand, my weapons were gone and I was near deaf to the Force. Ifelt like I was seeing in black and white because it. I fought off panic for a second time and focased on the man with his hands on my shoulders.

His blue eyes and peaceful demenor came into full focas for the first time, as did the two youth standing in the room with me. I glared at him and put on my most foul smirk. This was a natural reaction for me. I didn't dare to think that this man _wasn't_ my enemy, but thinking that he _was_ could cost me his trust. I don't know where this reaction came from, but at the time I didn't bother to think about it. In the back of my mind, though, a small voice, told me to be nice.

This man was family.

So I stepped back from him and pushed myself into a sitting position on the table I had been resting on. Or was it a bed? I didn't know because my eyes had never left his. He let go of my shoulders and took a step back.

I sized him up for a moment. Not very tall, but not short. Brownish-blondish hair with blue eyes that shown with their own knowledge and light. He seemed wise, old, young, boyish and humble. But, most of all, it seemed like half of his presence was made of something I should have known right away, but didn't. It was unerving, almost recognizing him, and more so because I couldn't read his feelings through the Force.

"Hello," I said simply. It was accually more of a croak than a greeting. I coughed a bit, feeling like I had slept for years.

"Hello." he replied, amusment showing in his eyes. "I'm sorry if you were alarmed the first time you woke. You're accually lucky you're alive, because the stasis chamber was almost completly broken when we found you-"

My ear perked up. Stasis chamber? What was he talking about?

"What the hell?" I interputed him abrutly. "Stasis chamber? Since when was I..." My voice trailed off as I tried to remember the last time I had been awake. Why hadn't I tried to before?

I put one hand up to my forhead as I thought. And thought. But there was nothing to remember. I knew how to speak. I knew that I carried a blaster at my right hip, and a lightsaber at my left. I remembered the Republic and the Jedi. I remembered... nothing. Who I was, who I had been, when I had my last meal. My name. The color of my lightsaber, and the sound of my best friend's laughter. The face of the Master who trained me. All of it gone.

"Do you not remember?" He asked, seeing my disstress. I tried to cover up my riseing panic, but I couldn't stop it.

I paused, and looked him in the eye critically. I shouldn't trust him, I thought. Or, tried to think, anyway. Something kept nagging at me, possiably my only conection with the Force, and telling me that I should get over my paranoia and trust him.

I sighed, and felt like crying for some odd reason.

"No..." I whispered. "I don't... know anything. Oh, for the love of the Goddess..." I shook my head violently. It hit me hard, right then, that this _really_ wasn't good. I knew how to swear but I couldn't remember my own damn name.

"Nothing?" He asked, sounding a little bit worried. I shook my head again.

He picked up something off of the floor and handed it to me. It was a small, black satchel.

"Here, this might help jog your memory." I took it from him and opened it up. Dumping the contents on the table beside me, I looked through them.

There was a blaster, which I holstered; A lightsaber with a wooden handle, which I somehow knew was mine so I clipped it to my belt; A data pad that had seen better days; An old Jedi Holocron which had also seen better days; A light brown Jedi robe that looked like it had been used for a long time and never washed; And the last thing in there was a small chain with a ring strung onto it. I put the chain around my neck, and found that the ring rested comfortably at a spot on my chest.

"Do you know who you are, or how long you were in that stasis chamber?" the man asked innocently as I studied the data pad. It had been shut off to conserve power, so it still ran. It was blocked with a password which I of course didn't know.

I looked at him pointably. "Sir, if you don't mind, I'd like to ask you a question." He guestured for me to continue.

I put on my best, or what I thought to be my best, smirk and said, "Just _who_ are _you_?"

The man smiled at me. "Sorry for being so rude. I am Jedi Master Luke Skywalker."

"Skywalker...?" I ran the name through my head again. Where had I heard that before? It sounded so familiar. The Master nodded.

"I take it you've heard of me." There was some amusment in his voice, along with a hint of annoyance, but I had to dissapoint him.

"No," I said flatly, gaining quite a response from the two youth in the room, as well as him. "I can't say I've heard of a _Luke_ Skywalker, but the name Skywalker does ring a bell." I sighed. "Sorry for being blunt."

He waved his hand. "It's quite all right. I rarely get that anymore." I could tell that when I glanced up at him again and gave him a questioning look. Then my eyes widened and I bowed my head to him. "Forgive me Master." I remembered what my formality should be around a Jedi Master far too late, but Master Skywalker seem didn't think so.

"For what? You didn't do anything wrong." I raised my eyes to his again, and he smiled. So familiar...

I nodded, then looked back at the data pad. I took a deep breath and began going over what I was thinking aloud. Trust came off of this Jedi in waves and you didn't need Force ablitlies to see that. This was good because of my loss in that area. Panic rose within me for a moment, but I beat it down quickly.

"No, I don't know who I am... I suppose that these tell a bit about who I was, but not much." I pointed to the lightsaber. "When I woke up, though, I already was well aware of the fact I was a Jedi. I reached out with the Force, but it's like I'm behind a 'mental wall'. I don't feel anything very strongly, except your presence." I left out the fact that he felt so familiar, for what reasons I don't know. Maybe I was just avoiding pain, though I didn't know that the time. Something told me I needed to avoid that subject, and instinct told me to obey that something's warnings. "I felt emptiness when I first woke, and I think that is reason I can't remember anything." I broke into a smile that seemed to milding surprise him. "So I guess I'll just have to hack in here and see if this is any way to find that info."

He nodded thoughtfully. "That's a good reason." Then a smile broke out on his face as well. "Come, you must be hungry. We can solve this puzzle later. Can you walk?"

I found out that I could, and shouldering the satchel with my things in it, I followed him through stone passages. He told me what I had the choices of eating, and it all sounded very good. I was about to ask when exactly it was on the Galactic time scale (not that I could remember anything about that either, but I felt I should ask it anyway), when he suddenly stopped at a large room.

Pauseing in the doorway he said, "Here are my students," he guestured to the fifteen or twenty people sitting in what looked to be a mess hall. There were all different races, genders and ages seated there, and for a moment, I marveled.

"Your students?" I asked, a little confused. What was a Jedi Master doing teaching a bunch of random people?

"Yes, this is a Jedi Acadamy." 

  
  
  
_End chapter 1_


	2. Chapter 2 - When am I?

**Chapter 2**   
  
  


I was already walking down the middle of the room, towards where I smelled food cooking. His words stopped me dead in my tracks.

I put my hand up to my mouth to hide my smile. I tried not to sound sinical, but I don't think it worked too well. "It's a WHAT?" I whirled around to face him, an amused grin plainly on my lips. Then I laughed outright, as his face became serious.

"Oh, you've just GOT to be kidding me!" I practically shouted. The room quieted but I barly noticed.

"No, I'm afraid I'm not." The Master said flatly, crossing his arms over his chest.

"What the... " I shook my head and laughed again. "Do you have a Master for each of these students? Do you not think that the Council will try to put an end to something like this?"

"What Council?" He asked, his eyes narrowing.

I raised an eyebrow at him and shoved my hands in my pants pockets. "The _Jedi_ Council. I may not remember anything from my personal life, but the Code and the Teachings of the Jedi are in my mind very clear. Hell, I can recite the Code in three different languages! I know that the Jedi Council would never allow something like this to happen. Even Master Windu would have _laughed_ at the mention of something like this. The Code forbids having more than one padawan learner." I stopped myself before stating that these people were much to old to _not_ be padawans, to take a quick glance around the room. Every one of the 'students' were looking at me with wide eyes. Looking back to the Master, I saw that he was in a bit of shock.

He was oviously trying to decide on what to say, which he did for some time. I had a terriable feeling about what he was about to tell me.

I was right.

"Alderaan." He whispered.

I nodded. "Yes, what about it?"

"What do you know of it?"

I blinked. "Well, um... Not much. Just that I kinda liked the Senator from it. Antilles lost the last run he made for Chancellor, though… but that's all I can remember."

The Master's face became dark. "What about the planet?"

I didn't like where this was going. "What happened to Alderaan?" I asked gravly.

I heard a choking cry behind me but I didn't turn around. I kept my eyes locked with the Master's as he spoke slowly, and quietly.

"Alderann was destroyed by a super weapon weilded by the Empire, over 25 years ago."

Time froze, for a moment. My mind seemed to stop working as his words hit me. Alderaan, the peace-loving planet with no weapons was destroyed. By an Empire that hadn't existed when I was last awake. I might not have remembered even my name, but Galactic law and rule were things firmly in my mind, just as much as the Jedi Code.

I shook my head. "Empire?" I could hear my voice shaking. "No, the goverment that ruled the galaxy was the Galactic Republic, not an 'Empire'. And they could have stopped anything that came their way."

The Master sighed as the students around us began to whisper amugst themselves. "The Republic was corrupted, and an Empire came out of it's ashes. It was ruled by a Sith Lord, named Palpatine."

"Wait a second," I held out my hands in front of me. "First of all, how could a Republic that was ruled from the world that held the Jedi Council--which consisted of ten or twelve of the most powerful Jedi in the galaxy--be corrupted into an Empire ruled by a _Sith Lord_?" I shook my head. "And on top of that, Chancellor Palpatine was the Sith Lord? What you're saying just can't be true. "

He looked at me with dark eyes. They seemed to tell me all on their own that he wasn't just making this up.

I couldn't take this. I turned around and stormed to the other side of the room. Turning again to face him, I glared and began speak. I had the whole room's attention.

"First of all, I wake up and feel this incrediable pain and emptiness inside of me. I loose contact with the Force, for the most part, and forget everything about my personal life. But, Galactic law and the Jedi Code, along with some names of famous Jedi and Senators, all stay in my mind. If what you're saying is right, then I must have been in stasis for at least 30 or 35 years." I took a deep breath.

"Then you say that you are running a Jedi Acadamy. These students don't even look like apprentacies, for the Goddess's sake! And you don't even look old enough to be a Jedi Master, now that I think of it. No offence, of course, Master Skywalker. But this is just all too weird." I shook my head. Then, as an after thought, I said, "What, were you trained by Master Qui-Gon, or something? No, no, forget that, he died before you were even born, I bet... Anyway, then you start talking about how, even with thousands of Jedi Master in the universe, an Empire came out of the Republic and no one from the Council, not even _Master Yoda_, noticed that the Sith had been reborn after a few millenia? This is just way too much, I'm sorry, Master... The dark side is hard to see, but thats just crazy!"

I turned away from them and leaned against the wall. My breath was coming in gasps, and I was shaking. The Master made his way across the room and put his hand on my shoulder. Calm washed over me, and I was able to breath evenly again.

I looked back up into the Master's eyes. "I'm sorry, Master Skywalker, I didn't mean any disrespect. This all just... it comes as a shock to me. No, wait, I take that back. It comes as a hell of a lot more than a shock. Goddess be damned..." Tears leaked from my eyes and I turned away. I began to make my way out of the silent room slowly at first, then I broke into a run. Heading for the lift, I took it down to the bottom floor. I wanted to know just where the hell and when the hell I was.

More than that, I wanted to know _who_ the hell I was.

I found myself on the bottom floor, winding through passage ways and not knowing where I was going. I swipped at tears that rolled down my face. I felt like my heart was being ripped out, knowing that everything I knew was gone. There must have been people I cared about, who I was close to. Would I ever see them again? Would I ever even remember them?

I saw natural light at the end of a passage way, and I headed toward it. Stumbling out onto thick grass and breathing in the humid, jungle air I looked around me.

I was on a small planet, or moon, since I saw the large, orange gass giant that hung low in the sky. No wonder the gravity was so light. I saw dense jungle at the edges of the clearing I was standing in. I turned to face the structure I had just come out of. I gasped slightly as I saw the massive temple that was almost as tall as I could see.

I fell to my knees and cried.

_End chapter 2_


	3. Chapter 3 - Jacen Solo, Jedi Knight

**Chapter 3**   
  


A Jedi rarly dreams, but that night I did.

I dreampt nightmares.

In the first one, I was standing in the Jedi Council's chamber, but something was wrong. Everyone looked worried, even Master Yoda. They couldn't see or hear me, and I guessed that they didn't feel me either, because none of them agnoledged my presence. I, in turn, couldn't understand what they were saying to each other. It was like they were whispering, even though I saw no reason for them to.

After a few minutes, someone came through the door, and a few of the Masters stood up.

They were the first to die.

I couldn't turn to face the enemy, but I saw what he did to the Masters in front of me. They screamed silently, and only a few of them were left after the intruder was pushed out by the rest.

My next nightmare was of a girl, standing in front of me. She smiled at me, and waved.

I tried to smile back, but each time I tried to move, a searing pain ran through me.

She just kept smiling and waving. Soon she was laughing. At what, I don't know. Her blue eyes would sparkle through different shades when she laughed, like a saphire is sunlight. Her shoulder-length brown hair cascaded down to her shoulders, and I saw black and blue tatoos over her skin. They reached her forhead in this spirals, and looked like rings of black smoke down her arms. Her short tank-top and low-cut pants that hugged her hips accented her slim body well.

She seemed so familiar to me it drove me mad when I couldn't touch her, or talk to her. I felt like I had been searching for her for a long time.

Then her image faded, and I found myself in blackness. I could hear blaster bolts in the distence, and shouts of people as they fell. I could walk in this dream, but I found myself no nearer the cries.

After a long while, they stopped. The blackness grew thicker, if that was possiable, and I found myself not alone.

Then there was a hand on my arm, stong and cold. It gripped me like I was life itself. No voice peirced the darkness, just the ragged breathing of the person holding onto me. I couldn't speak to it, and it showed no intention of speaking to me.

So we stood there, the thing catching its breath and me standing still with fear and anticiption. Being a Jedi, I should have been able to over-come such emotions, but I found it impossiable to concentrate with the thing's ragged breath so close to me.

I tried to push it away, for fear it was something evil. I wanted it off of me, right then. It grabbed my other arm when I struggled, though. This made me want to scream, but I couldn't. The thing pulled me close, and I prepared to spit or kick or do _something_ to stop it from getting me any closer.

Thick, hot breath washed over my face and I wanted to gag. It smelt like charred flesh and death.

Only then did it speak.

"You... are not... alone..."

I froze.

"You..." It repeated, stronger this time. "are not alone."

I wanted to yell at it, depsite the rancid odor in the air. Who is with me, if I'm not alone?

"This fear you have inside of you. This passion for life. This love for another, and desire to find them, will help you."

I shook my head. I wanted to scream No! at the beast holding me, but I couldn't find my voice. So I just struggled against its hold.

The hold and seduction of the dark side.

When I awoke, I was sweat-soaked and cold, laying on the floor of a chamber that Master Skywalker had picked for me. It was near his, in case I needed someone.

I sat cross legged on the floor. Mulling over my nightmares and the girl who had stood there and laughed, I wondered what the former 'me' would have done.

Maybe she would have made some sarcasitic remark about them. Like, 'oh, that one girl was cute, wonder if she's single' or 'for the Goddess's sake, you need a breath freashener, buddy!'. Or maybe she would have been depressed or disterbed by the thoughts. Maybe she would have seen something in them that I didn't. Or maybe she would have gone for a brisk jog in the jungle to clear her mind.

On second thought, no, she wouldn't have gone for a jog.

I sighed and shook my head. Deciding that I wanted something to eat, I dressed quickly and made my way to the mess hall.

The realization that my world, the world of thousands of Jedi and a Galactic Republic, was all be destroyed was still sinking in. Even though nothing from my personal life came to me, the universe as I knew it and all my skills were still there. It was like my brain just couldn't handle any personal pain right then, so I had to endure temporary memory loss.

Oh well, I thought as I rumaged through the kitchen. I just hope there is something besides feild rations to eat here.

I found some dried fruit, which I munched on happily. After a few minutes, I heard footfalls in the hall.

A sleepy-looking youth walked into the kitchen, blinking his brown eyes and running a hand through his brown hair. He squinted at me, then his eyes grew wide as he took a step back.

"Er... hello," he said akwardly.

I nodded toward him and took another bite of fruit.

He cleared his throat as he looked through a box of dried meats. "My name is Jacen. I'm sorry about earlier today, in the mess hall.." his voice trailed off as he gave me an apologetic look.

"Why?" I asked bluntly. "You didn't do anything." I kept my eyes locked with his, and he smiled a bit.

"Well, I know, but I just wish I could help somehow." His smiled turned into a boyish grin that seemed to fit well on his face. He reminded me of a smuggler, in some respects. The only problem was, I had no clue where that comparison had been made in my mind, it just had.

I smirked a bit at him. "Thank you, Jacen." After a pause, I decided to strike up an accual conversation with him.

"So, what do you do here?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Well, I'm just visiting. I accually completed my training here a few years ago. I'm cheaking up on my little brother, Anakin."

My head snapped up at the name 'Anakin'. There was something I should know about that name, but it wasn't coming to mind. 

He gave me an odd look. "Are you ok, miss?"

Of course I'm not, I lost my memory you idiot! I didn't say that but it did run through my mind. This kid didn't know anything, so I shouldn't be hard on him.

"Yeah, I'm ok." I paused. "And... I don't know my name, so when I find it out, I'll tell you." A smile came to my lips, though I didn't feel happy at all. If Jacen noticed, then he didn't say anything.

"You're a full Jedi Knight, I take it?" I said, changing the subject.

He nodded, and nibbled on a peice of jerky he had found in the box.

"Just think it's weird, ya know... Having one Master train all these people."

"He did a very good job, accually." Jacen said. "He's trained lots of people here, for about ten years."

I gave him a questioning look. "Only ten years, and you've already been trained?"

He blinked. "Uh, yeah. Why, did Jedi stay with their Masters longer than that when you were trained?"

"Well," I started, not wanting to sound mean, "yes, they did. Some training took far more time than that." I breathed in deeply and sighed heavily. "I don't know how long mine took, cause... well, yeah..." I gave him a smile that should have convinced him I wasn't all that bothered by it, when really it was just the opposite. I think he bought it, because he didn't press the issue.

After a long pause, I spoke. "Sorry about the outburst in the mess hall today. That news kinda hit me hard."

Jacen grined again, making me feel at ease. "Don't worry about it. You can teach us alot about the pre-Empire Jedi. I understand, well, not so much understand, but sympathize with you on the whole 'been alseep for thiry years' deal. And I know that you'll get your memory back soon, so you'll know why you were put to sleep for that long."

I blinked at him, and for a moment, my cool demeor fell. He seemed so sincere, it was hard for me to understand why he was the way he was. He didn't act like part of me knew he should act. Again, this was frustrating because I didn't know where these feelings were coming from, just that they _were_.

I managed a real smile after a few moments, and nodded.

We talked for what must have been hours. I don't know how Jacen did it, but he kept the conversation on things that didn't need me to think of my 'personal life'. Or as the case was, my lack thereof.

So the hours past, and we grew tired. I walked him back to his room on the second level. He offered to show me one of his pets that he brought with him from Corosant, but I declined.

"Sorry, but I'm really tired, Jacen."

"Aw, its ok. I'll see you tomorrow then. Pick you up at your quarters for breakfeast?"

I nodded, and smiled. "I'm in the one to the right of the Master's."

"Ok then. See you in the morning!" He waved and dissapeared inside of his room.

I walked back as quietly as I could. My footsteps echoed in the halls as I walked.

I wondered if I would ever remember who I was. Random things seemed familiar, like a name or type of food. Jacen had the air about him that made me feel like I was with an old friend. It was almost like the feeling I got around the Master, but not as strong. Had I known their parents, or other family members?

Whatever the case, I was too tired to think about it any more. I went to bed as soon as I got to my room, and fell into a deep sleep.

_End chapter 3_


	4. Chapter 4 - Watashi wa ....

**Chapter 4**   
  


I awoke the next morning to a knocking at my door. Blinking in the dimness of the room, I remembered where I was.

Or, rather, I remembered that I couldn't remember.

I groaned and hauled myself to the door, running a hand through my shoulder-length orange-to-red-to-black hair. I opened it to the smiling face of Jacen.

"Hey! Ready for breakfast?" He said cheerily. Much too cheerily for my tastes, but I nodded and managed a smile anyway.

I splashed some cold water on my face and pulled on my thick, black combat boots. Tucking my black flight pants into them quickly, I pulled on my light, black (notice a pattern here?) jacket over my black (hehe) tight-fitting tunic.

I think that I used to like the color black.

Following Jacen to the mess hall, he began to explain the days activities to me. After breakfast came personal training, followed by some sort of group session before lunch. In the afternoon, the Master would usually do some combat training, or a sort of history lesson would be taught from Tionne, an old student from the Academy's early days. I wondered if the Master would want me to speak to any of the students about my knowledge of the Jedi. I doubted it, and didn't exactly want it either. What would they want to hear from someone who doesn't even know her own name?

We reached the mess hall, and I found the smells delightful. Jacen warned me on what not to eat. Apparently, the cook wasn't the most talented one around.

We sat near the end of one of the long tables in the mess hall. I got a few surprised or wary looks for the students when I entered, so I kept my head down.

Sitting across from us were two girls a boy. They were all about fifteen and human.

"This," Jacen said, gesturing to the boy who had purple bangs that framed his face on either side down to his chin, with ear-length black hair over the rest of his head. "is Corban. And that's Erin," he gestured to a girl with short, black hair and green eyes. She smiled and waved at me. "And this is Dätura. Everyone calls her Dai for short, though." The girl, who had red-copper hair that seemed to change color when she moved, nodded in my direction. She had her hair so the bangs were short and spiked down her forehead. The rest of her hair was only a few centimeters long, and layered to frame her round face. Her dark eyes contrasted with the brightness of her hair.

"So," Erin said cheerily, "Master Luke told us that you might be staying for a while?" Her question was straight-forward and almost rude, depending on your point of view, but the sound of her voice made it sound completely innocent.

I nodded as I dug (literally) into my soup bowl with a spoon. "Yeah, until I get a clue as to who I am." I gave her a smile when she started a bit, showing her that I wasn't all depressed about it or anything. "It's ok, I know I'll get my memories back sometime." I laughed lightly. "Until then, I get to deal with being Force-inept and completely confused."

Jacen grinned lop-sidedly and slapped me on the back. "Hey, lighten up. You'll be fine a few days, don't you worry." I gave him a sarcastic look as if to say, 'I thought I was lightening up'. He took the hint and turned back to his food.

The truth was, I was still in shock from what happened yesterday. The whole 'I'm fine don't mind me' routine seemed to come easily, and I wondered then if that's what my former self had been like. Sarcastic, talkative and always smirking.

Jacen interrupted my thoughts by suddenly clapping his hands together and saying, "Oh! I learned a new joke! Do you guys want to hear it?"

Erin, Corban and Dätura all looked up at the same time and said, rather loudly, "No!"

Jacen jumped a bit, but kept smiling. "Aw, common, you guys!" He turned to me. "You liked my jokes last night, didn't you?" I could tell he wanted to mention my name at the end of his sentence, but since he didn't know my name, he ended it rather abruptly. So, Jacen wasn't the smoothest person around. Oh well. His intentions where good, and that's all that mattered.

I smirked at him. "Yeah, about as much as I like Bantha fodder." He mockingly looked hurt, and Erin laughed. Corban smiled a bit, and Dätura only let out a faint 'hm' to let anyone know that she found Jacen's antics funny.

"I'm so hurt!" He laughed before picking at his breakfast some more.

I looked at Erin and raised an eyebrow. "Is he always like this?"

She laughed a bit and shrugged. "Yeah, pretty much." Corban smiled at her remark and glanced at her. A softer smile touched his lips, which made me wonder. Erin seemed not to notice this, though, and Corban stuffed more food into his mouth before she could. Odd boy.

I continued to eat as Jacen and Corban talked about how long he was going to be staying on Yavin 4. Apparently, we were on the fourth moon of the gas giant Yavin. I found that interesting enough, and decided to look into it later on. Jacen would be staying a week to help a few kids with lightsaber training, since he was rather good with one.

A hand on my shoulder made me look up from my soup (if that's what you could call the stuff) and into the eyes of the Master. I smiled at him and nodded. "Morning."

"Good morning. And to you too, Jacen, Dätura, Erin and Corban. How are you doing?" His voice was filled with compassion, and I couldn't help but feel comforted by it.

I shrugged in response to his question. "All right, I guess. The food ain't great, but that's ok." I looked back up to him after pointing down to my 'soup'. "Did you need me for something, Master?"

He nodded. "Yes, I'd like to do a meditation session later this afternoon with just you. We might be able to pull up some of your memories, if you're feeling up to it."

"Of course, Master." I thought for a moment, and added, "I also have that data pad that was in my satchel. We could look over that and it might provide us with something as well."

He smiled. "Good thinking. I'll see you this afternoon then, after my session with the younger kids."

I bowed my head as he walked away, then continued to eat.

"You're awful proper." The comment came from Dätura. It was not meant to be mean, I don't think. Being it the first thing she said to me, I was taken aback by the suddenness of it, though.

I blinked away my slight confusion and said, "And you're awful forward."

She simply nodded in my direction and continued to eat what looked to be a salad. Those were the last words I heard from her for the rest of the meal.

After we all finished, Jacen headed out of the temple to start training a few kids with the lightsabers. Corban and Erin were going to go for a run through the jungle. They said that they did it everyday, and it helped clear their minds a bit, even though it wasn't mandatory. Dätura simply walked off into the temple someplace. She didn't say where she was going or what she was doing, and no one seemed to think it odd that she just up and went.

I spent the rest of the morning exploring the temple. I took the lift up to every floor, walking through the corridors. I tried to reach out with my mind through the Force and _feel_, but I was still not able to. The idea of not feeling the Force left me a bit lonely. This was odd, since I didn't have any memories to know what I should be feeling. I guess it was instinct, or something.

After exploring the stone hallways of the Great Temple, or so it was called, I decided to have a look at it from outside. Anything to keep my mind off my loss-of-everything. I had caught a glimpse of it yesterday, but I wanted a better look. So I took the lift to the top floor, and exited onto the roof of the Temple.

It was amazing, to say the least. Green stretched out before me in all directions, broken by the occasional smaller temple. Far overhead loomed the gas giant Yavin, which was low in the sky. There was no sun, so everything was washed in an odd orange glow. The Temple itself was worn and old, but still stood mighty. There was something odd about it though, like it wasn't completely what it once used to be.

"Rebuilt is the word you're looking for."

The sudden comment came from behind me. I jumped and turned, to see Dätura sitting on the edge with her legs dangling off the side. Her back was to me, and she didn't bother to look at me as I sat down beside her. Her eyes never left the horizon as she spoke evenly, with a note of bitterness in her voice.

"Dark Jedi attacked this Temple about five years ago. They destroyed it after losing to Master Skywalker and the Jedi trained here." She gestured out to the horizon. "New Rebublic ships. They orbit this moon now constantly, making sure nothing attacks their dear, precious Jedi."

I looked at her in surprise now. "You sound bitter at them for protecting us." My voice was a bit more harsh than I would have liked, but it was true how I felt. She was mad at them for wanting to help.

"Hm. I suppose I am."

I paused for a moment, realizing what she had done. She cared, but she didn't. She trained here, becoming a Jedi, but resented those who held her in such high respect. It was like her intentions where selfish, but that just didn't seem quite _right_. She wasn't being selfish, just… detached. Maybe upset that they thought that the Jedi couldn't protect themselves. They had before, and only lost a temple. I saw her logic, yet I didn't.

I suddenly had a lot of respect for this girl.

"Thank you."

I shook my head. "Stop reading my thoughts if I can't read yours. Its rude." I grinned at her and she simply nodded.

We just sat there for a long time in silence. I don't know why, but we did. We would watch a ship moving across the sky, and somehow be able to track it, even though it was only a silver dot against a bluish sky.

I seemed to know what she was feeling, and it was nothing but peace. I couldn't feel her through the Force, exactly, but rather through something else. It was familiarity, it wasn't friendship or even understanding. It was just _being_. For the first time since I had woken a day before, I felt at ease.

When I rose to leave, I put a hand on her shoulder lightly and whispered, "Thank you."

She didn't nod or show any sign that I had left, but I know that actually saying something wasn't her way. This girl was hard to read, and I'm sure that if I could have felt her through the Force, I would have gotten just as much as I did _not_ feeling her. At the same time, though, I felt her say, "You're welcome", even though I didn't hear it. Special, I think, is what she made me feel. Special that she let me feel calm in her presence.

I smirked to myself as I took the turbo lift to the bottom floor to find the Master. Now that I felt calmer about my situation, I had to dig into my subconscious and surly cause myself great pain and even more confusion.

Oh well.

~~`~{@

After speaking with the Master a bit, we decided that we should wait till an hour or two before dinner for the meditation session. In the meantime, he had a lecture planned for all the students until lunch.

Sitting in the far back of the Great Hall, I watched each of the students fall under his words. He spoke of the Jedi Code like I'm sure he had a million times before. Every one of them listened intently, watching him as he paced back and forth across the front of the room.

The scene seemed oddly typical. Even as the thought ran through my mind, I was annoyed by my loss of memory yet again. Half-way through his lecture, I couldn't take the feeling anymore so I decided to leave.

I took my leave as quietly as possible, and I'm sure only the Master noticed I was gone. Walking down the stone halls of the Academy, I tried on my own to recall something from my past.

I thought of the Jedi, the Code, and the few images of Jedi Masters that I could remember. I focused on certain things, trying to decipher what I might have been doing at the time. I ran my hand along the cold, stone walls and tried to fell them with the Force. I attempted to remember what it was like to reach out with it and let my consciousness flow along the currents of life. I wanted so bad to feel the flow of the Force against my mind again. The one thing I could remember clearly were the hours in meditation, simply letting myself _be one_ with the Force. My mind craved its presence again.

Dizziness and a headache rewarded me when I tried to feel it, of course.

This was when I let my defenses fall, and my self-imposed mask fade. I tired to relax like I had done with Dätura at the top of the Temple, but I failed. Guess I should have _done_ instead of just _tried_. I could hear Master Yoda's voice faintly, scolding me for my lack of faith.

I returned to my quarters, craving a shower. I hadn't taken one last night, simply because I was in too much shock. Now the shock had been replaced with fatigue.

I stripped of my clothes and stepped into hot sprays of water. Sighing, I leaned against the wall of the shower unit and closed my eyes. I focused on the water as it ran over my body, wetting my just-past-shoulder-length hair. Who ever I was before sure had a nice body. Round breasts, soft hair, long legs and a slim waist.

I opened my eyes and watched the water fall. Who I was before…

Sighing irritably, I shook my head at the thought. Where was the peace that Dätura had shown me? I didn't want to think of things that made me want to bang my head against a wall in frustration. I simply wanted to remember, not be stuck here in the middle of memory and oblivion.

I swore lightly, pushing thought out of my head and wanting more than ever to return to just being, instead of feeling.

There is no emotion; There is peace.

Where was my peace, then? It's not like I was running from it or anything. Goddess be damned, I was craving it more than anything! The mocking memories were driving me up the wall, and nothing was helping me except some Force-spell put on me by a young girl. I wanted to yell at someone for placing me here in this place, where I had no one to turn to who would understand, or even so much as tell me who I am. I wasn't running, just...

I blinked and realized what I had just thought.

I drew in a startled breath as that fact that I _had_ been running, since the moment I woke up in this new world. I had been running from things half-remembered.

Like the Master's eyes. They seemed so familiar, like the man was family or something. Why hadn't I thought of it more? And what had caused me to blow up at him like that? Did I usually freak out when something unusual confronted me? I hoped not.

And Jacen's smile. The way he grinned all lop-sided and cute-like was almost soothing to me.

I wanted to remember what that necklace meant. It had a ring on it, though I hadn't paid it much attention before. It was gold and silver braided together loosely. In contrast, the chain was a dingy metal that was in need of polishing.

My data pad. I hadn't looked through it yet because I was afraid of the emptiness I first felt when I woke up. I could probably hack into it easily, but I just hadn't tried.

Shaking my head, I once again felt the hole inside of me. I wrapped my arms around myself and put my face in the stream of water. The pain surfaced and I willed myself not to cry. I wanted to remember so badly. I just wanted to _know_ why his clear blue eyes were so familiar. I wanted to _know_ who I was, instead of guessing.

A ragged sigh escaped me and I scolded myself for being so weak. I didn't need to feel sorry for myself right now. I just needed to calm down and sort things out a bit. The task, however, was easier said than done.

I knew I was reacting like any other person would; I tried not to focus on anything that might upset me. That, however, wasn't going to make my memory come back. I knew this and yet I still didn't want to think too much.

I shook my head violently, deciding that I needed to face what I knew, and maybe I'd figure out some way to find _me_ again. And maybe, I could find a way to fit into the world here and now. Goddess knows that it must have changed since I last remembered it. Or rather, since I remembered it once I actually remembered it in the first place… 

I shook my head again and recapped what I knew, leaving the verb tenses to be pondered later.

When I first awoke, I had been searching for someone through the Force in a panic. I didn't find them, so my mind had felt torn. I didn't want to feel the loss and pain again, so I locked myself up. I literally trapped myself in a little box so I wouldn't have to deal.

A nice little trick, but at the moment, it didn't help me any.

Stepping away from the water, I looked down at my hands and traced a few pale scars across them. The scars ran like tiny wires across my callused palm, like I had stuck my hand in a still-hot hyperdrive or something. An image of flying sparks, smoke and the scent of singed hair filled my mind.

I knew it was a memory.

"TR-02…" The name came easily off of my lips, like I had said it a million times. Of course, I knew that I had. The wonderful part of that was that I actually _knew_ something. I ran my hand through my hair, recalling how I had gotten the scars on my palms.

A Jedi Master had instructed me to fix a droid after had I misbehaved at one of her lessons. She was a Twi'lik, and one of the most strict Jedi at the Temple. I was rushing the job, and not paying attention to where I was sticking my hands. I was letting anger take over part of my mind, and though it was only for a minute or two, I paid the price. The burns on my hands resulted when I slammed them against the droid's innards in frustration. Sparks flew out, singeing the hair on my hands, arms and some of it on my head. The wires were hot because, in my hurry, I had forgotten to let the droid cool after I shut him down. He was an older model, in charge of kitchen duty.

I smiled despite the memory. Simply that it was a memory, and not just a feeling, made me want to smile. Letting out a light laugh, I continued to look over my body for scars and things that would jog my memory more. Every scar had a story, and each one I could remember to some degree. None in the depth that the ones on my hands had, but it was still something.

Something to say 'I did this' about. Something that was of my _past_, however pain-filled that was.

"So…" I whispered to myself after I was done inspecting myself. I noted with annoyance that my voice shook with the excitement and pain. "All I gotta do is focus on me. On those things that are a part of me."

I smiled.

Me.

I liked the sound of that.

~~`~{@

_End chapter 4_   
  
Author's Notes: Thanks so much to Amy Lee for giving me advice on this next chapter. I hope I added enough depth to it for 'yall. I'll get the next chapter up ASAP! ^-^ 


	5. Chapter 5 - From the House of Rosemary *...

**Chapter 5**   
  


I was standing outside the Master's chambers, waiting for him to arrive. It was time for our meditation session, which I was actually looking forward to. Even though a weight seemed to have placed itself on my chest at the thought of going against those mental walls, I knew that I had to try.

No, not try. Do.

"Good evening," I heard the Masters voice and looked up.

Smiling at him, I said, "Good evening, Master." I took a small bow as he passed, and followed him into his chambers.

"That really isn't necessary, you know." He half-smiled at me from across the room.

"You're a Master, and I outta treat you as one." I sat down on the floor and he sat across from me.

He sighed and changed the subject. "Just for your information, I have done this before. My friend had slight memory blocks put in place when his wife was kidnapped."

"And he was a Jedi?" I asked, slightly skeptical.

The Master shrugged. "He was capable of becoming one, he just hadn't gone through any training as of yet. Now, though, he is a Jedi."

I nodded. "Should we begin, Master?"

"Only if you're ready."

"Of course, Master."

"All right. I'm going to let my thoughts drift along the same lines as yours, so just relax. We'll try at some of the walls once I get a good view of your mind."

I nodded once and closed my eyes. Trying to relax isn't the easiest thing in the world, let me tell you. I focused on the soup I had eaten this morning instead. After a while, I felt a light presence in my mind. It simply drifted there, flowing along my thoughts as I mulled over the soup's contents. I could feel its amusement at my subject, and I became much more at ease. Soon, thought, I ran into a wall.

I flinched back in pain, instinctively turning away from it. I was simply going to think about something else, but I felt the Master's presence begin to take more shape inside me.

Instead of just feeling and thinking, I was seeing as well now. I was in a large, dimly lit room. A wall stood in front of me and I could see the Master standing beside me. It was odd, because he looked about 30 years younger than he should, and there was a boyish grin on his face. He was dressed in dingy once-white clothes, and he reminded me for some reason of a farm boy. Turning to face me, he gestured to the wall. I could hear his voice in my mind.

//This is one of your walls. You were thinking about food, and that led to the thoughts on preparing food. That, in turn, led to your skills. I think this wall is hiding some of your skills or memories in that area, and maybe something more.//

I nodded my agreement. Stepping forward, I reached out with my dream-like hand and touched the wall. I danced back from it when pain and panic swept through me.

The Master's hand was on my shoulder then, leading me up to the wall again. When I reached out once more, his other hand covered mine. This time, the pain was less, and so was the panic.

//Now,// I heard the Master's voice, //push.//

Taking a deep dream-breath for no apparent reason, I put my other hand up to the wall. The pain increased, but I stood my ground. I pushed with both hands against the wall, willing it away. I could feel the pain creeping up my arms and over my chest like electricity. I wanted to flinch away, but the Master's hands kept me in place. I knew that he was taking part of the pain and helping me push through the obstacle.

Soon I saw the fruits of our labor. Tiny cracks became visible in the wall, the larger ones showing rays of light from the other side. When the light began to hit me, I saw flashes of memories. Some of them happy, some of them sad. I smiled despite the increasing pain and pushed harder.

The cracks grew bigger, to my satisfaction. I could feel both the Master's and mine spirits rising as pieces of the walls began to fall out. Light washed over me and for a moment I felt at peace.

Then it was all ripped apart by the emotions that followed.

In the memories, I had seen friends and people I knew very well. I had felt emotions like happiness and contentment, along will loss and extreme loneliness.

Now that loneliness was taking me over in my realization that all those people were dead.

All of the people I had known were gone.

I fell to my knees inside the dreamscape, crying out in pain. I felt like running, but I knew that I couldn't. The Master tried to pull to me to feet, but I was too weak.

I flung open my eyes and gasped. The Master's worried gaze met mine, and I realized that I was laying on my back. We were back in his chambers, no longer in the dreamscape.

I sighed, and sat up. The Master had to help me stand because my legs were still shaky.

"I..." my voice shook as well, much to my disapproval. I leaned against him heavily as I spoke. "I… remember my training… as a Jedi." I smiled up at him weakly as he sat me down on the bed. "And I can feel the Force again. I can sense you … and everything else … just like I know I should. Only now…" My voice caught in my throat as I fought down the pain. I shook my head and closed my eyes.

"It's all right. I'm glad you finally remember something." He smiled at me as I lay back and tried to catch my breath. "Tell me, if you can." His voice was soft and comforting as he sat down in a chair across from me. I sat up and nodded.

"All right…" I cleared my throat and rested my elbows on my knees. "I grew up and was trained like any other Jedi, except that I didn't like how strict it always was. I had only a few friends. One of them was a girl who was older than me. She was… the only one who I could understand. Her actions completely were normal and justified, but for some reason, the Masters didn't like her much. They saw her as a threat if they didn't train her, so they had to. On the other hand, they saw her as one who couldn't be trained properly. It was … odd." I smiled despite my growing loneliness. "I never completed my training. She did, though, two years before me. My Master's name was Yuki Kitigoe. She didn't like me much." I laughed a bit, forcing my way past the pain. "We never formed a bond. I was only with her for three years, and then I just walked out one day. I went to my home planet in search for my friend. And …" I shook my head. "That's it. All I can remember."

I looked up at the Master. He had a serious look on his face when he spoke. "Do you remember you friend's name? Or what she looked like? Maybe we can find her file in some Old Republic databanks."

I nodded my head. "Her name was Tori. She had brown hair that came down to her shoulders, and tattoos all over her body. They were all swirly, colored black and dark blue. I asked her where she got them once and she just glared at me." I paused. "Oh, her full name was Tori Miller of Zoicite, by the way. But she rarely gave that out."

The Master blinked. "Miller of Zoicite?"

I nodded. "Yeah, her House was Zoicite and her surname was Miller. That's how names go on my planet. Speaking of names, I should be able to remember that of my master." I paused and thought for a bit. He seemed pretty eager to know, so I thought hard. "It was something like… I'TAIII!!" I gripped my head in pain. The Master was at my side right away, calming me with the Force.

"I'tai, that hurt!" I growled out between clenched teeth. "Goddess, I won't try that again…"

"What did you do?"

I sighed and stood up irritably. "I just tried to remember a bit more by pushing against that wall. But without your help, it just hurts too much…" I shook my head when he offered some more support. "But, Tori… She was in my dream too." I turned to the Master and he had an odd look on his face. Like he was deciding whether to do something or not.

"Listen, I think this is enough for today." He smiled and gestured for me to leave. I just stared at him for a minute, wondering if he was serious. Why did he want to end all of a sudden?

"Master?"

"You don't remember anything else, do you? Like your home world or your name?" He looked a bit nervous, and I could feel him putting up his mental barriers. I blinked and crossed my arms over my chest. I opened my mouth to object, when something hit me. I blinked again and shut my mouth.

I said it slowly, though it rolled off my tongue like I knew it should. The emptiness inside of me didn't go away, or even lessen, but I still smirked as the words were said. The pain was still there, but part of me simply dealt with it. I didn't feel like cringing away anymore because I knew who I was. I knew what I would do in a situation like this.

I put my palm in front of my face, slowly, and looked at the Master between my spread fingers. I turned my palm to him then drew it away so he could see my face as I spoke.

"Deseray Sequoia from the House of Rosemary." I stuck my hands in my pockets and put all my weight on my left leg.

"My name," I said again, "is Deseray."

The Master simply smiled and nodded.

"Deseray."

  
  
_End chapter 5_


	6. Chapter 6 - Just Another Pilot Down *Rev...

**Important notice: If you have read Chapter 5 before 8/29/01, then you need to go and read the ending over again. I've revised it to fit better with my plot. Thanks ^-^**   
  
**Chapter 6**   
  


I ran down the hall, despite the growing dizziness, trying to find Jacen. He was outside the Temple teaching a course on lightsaber handling. He didn't notice me running up to him because he was too into a lecture he was giving. They were practicing with sticks at the moment, and he was acting out some good battle stances. In the back of my mind I thought, 'He's doing it all wrong'.

I tackled him a second after he noticed me, and ended up sending both of us to the ground. I wasn't sure what made me trust this boy, but I didn't have time to think about that right then as I grinned down from my spot beside him on the ground.

"Deseray!" I said, once I had made sure he wasn't going to kill me for tackling him like this. I think he was too stunned, anyway. The students around us were laughing.

"What?!"

"My name is Deseray Sequoia from the House of Rosemary! I'm from the planet Morbos, and my best friend is Tori Miller of Zoicite." I grinned even more, then let out a little laugh. Running my hand through my hair once, I rolled my eyes when he just lay on the ground looking at me.

"Er, ah… that's great!" He said finally, smiling up at me. I could tell it was a little forced, though.

"Oh, sorry…" I quickly got up off the ground, offering him a hand. Standing with my hands in my back pockets, Jacen looked me up and down once he stood. 

"You look like my dad when you do that." His smile made me a little at ease, though the loneliness inside kept me from being too happy with my newfound memory. I kept up my smile and light toned voice because that's who I am. Deseray of Rosemary isn't one to look sad or serious. It tends to keep people on their toes if I keep up a smile all the time, also.

"Doesn't she?" Asked Luke from behind. He came to stand beside me a small smile on his lips as well.

Jacen nodded. "So you said you name was Deseray?"

"Deseray, eh?" Erin stepped out from behind Jacen. "That's a pretty name." Now that I could feel again with the Force, I noticed how not shielded her mind was. It was like she had nothing to hide.

Corban, in turn, came up beside her. "Deseray? Is that your name?"

I simply nodded and raised an eyebrow at their enthusiasm. That was the first time I noticed that Corban wasn't exactly human. To be blunt, he had a tail. A long, furry tail that seemed to move on its own. I don't know why I hadn't noticed it before, but I also noticed when he talked that he had small fangs instead of regular human teeth in some parts of his smile. It was slightly unnerving, but I pushed the feeling away.

"Well," Luke said, clasping his hands over his stomach. The gesture reminded me of all the other Masters I had known. "let's talk about this more over dinner. Jacen, you can wrap up your class now." Jacen took a small bow and turned back to the students who were talking a little amongst themselves.

"All right, dinner time." Was all he said, then turned back to me and grinned again. "So, what was the rest of your name again?"

I let out a small laugh and rolled my eyes again. Then something caught them and I paused. A pair of incredible orange jewels met mine from across the small group of students. Dätura.

"I'll talk to you about it later, all right?" I gave Jacen a backward glance as I approached the girl who now stood alone on the grassy field.

"Hello," was all I said as I fell in step with her to the Temple.

She didn't even glance in my direction, but I didn't mind.

"You got your abilities back." For the first time, I noticed how familiar her voice and stance were to me.

I nodded. "I can feel the Force again. Enough to know that you've got some pretty strong blocks on a young Jedi like yourself." I gave her a sideways look and didn't expect to see much reaction in her features. Of course, I didn't.

"So," I asked, "you were looking at me pretty intently. Did you need something?" Watching her out of the corner of my eye, this time I got a reaction. The side of her mouth tugged upward, in what threatened to be a smile. "Ah! Dai! Is that a _smile_ I see there?" I greatly over-exaggerated, hoping to get more of a response. It only disappeared though, replaced by her usual emotionless expression.

"No." was all she said.

"Right, I believe you." I said mockingly, feeling myself again.

"Hrm. What happened to your formalness?"

I shrugged. "Disappeared with my will to become a Jedi I suppose."

She looked at me and raised an eyebrow like she didn't believe what I had said. I winked at her in return, giving her what I hoped to be a charming grin. I could have sworn I saw that girl falter for a moment, but she was so quick in hiding it I couldn't be sure.

"Oh." That was the last thing she said in our walk back to the Temple.

During dinner, I talked on and on about my training as Jedi, telling everyone about how candidates were selected from birth and trained on Corusant before being suited to a Jedi Master for the last stage of their training. I stayed away from the point about me leaving the Jedi Temple abruptly, not wanting to break down in pain like I had in Luke's chambers.

I apologized to Luke, in turn, for exploding at him like that on the first day.

"I was acting childish."

He shrugged. "It's all right, Deseray. You weren't yourself at the time." He smiled at me, and I again wondered where I had seen his eyes before. I knew there was something else I was missing about my time at the Jedi Temple and the first 15 years of my life, but I couldn't place it. I decided not to try, taking the less painful route.

After dinner, which was much better than breakfast mind you, I decided to look through some of the files that they had at the Great Temple. I needed to learn what 30 or 40 years of history I had missed, if it had even been that much. Dätura was selected by Luke to help me with the old files. She apparently spent a lot of time researching history and such.

Leading me down to the bottom floor of the Great Temple after dinner, Dätura and I started to look through the databases. I found old holograms that were half-deleted from the Empire's attempt at destroying what the Rebels left behind after they evacuated the Yavin system. That's what Dätura told me, anyway. She explained what the Empire did with the help of a few newer documents on the topic, along with some new holograms that were made at the time that Alderaan was destroyed. Propaganda was thick though out the new articles. The writers attempted to sway the act to favor the Empire in a way that the public would enjoy, but they didn't do a very good job. No wonder a Rebellion was so effective.

We spent a good two hours down in that electronics room. Dätura talked so much that I wondered why her tongue didn't cramp with the effort. She approached every issue, every merciless deed and every mass slaughter done by the Empire with such calm that even I had to marvel at her control. It was odd; the only real emotion that she had shown me was when she had talked about the New Republic ships guarding the orbit of Yavin 4. It made me wonder where her morals lay, but at the same time, I wasn't exactly one to talk. Mine wasn't the mind of a Jedi, nor did I have the heart of one. I just had the self-control of one, it seemed.

At least, that's based on what I could see of myself at the time. With only half a memory one can't be too sure.

It was my idea to go over the plans for some of the Empire's ships. If I was to find my place again in this universe, I had to know what I might be up against in terms of technology, after all.

"Simple," was all she said when I pulled up the schematics on a small, one-man fighter called a TIE. I read the description aloud.

"The fighters have no atmosphere inside of the cockpit made for a single person. The ship has no shields and no hyperdrive, but is fitted with twin ion engines." I scoffed at the screen I was reading from. "Wow, I wouldn't want to pilot one of these. Let's see, because they have no shields, TIEs are seen in large numbers. The TIE Advanced does have shields, but the regular fighter is still largely in use. What do they mean, 'largely in use'? Didn't the Empire _die_ about ten years ago?" I turned to Dätura, who was sitting next to me. She had her eyes locked on the screen in front of her, pulling up pictures of various capital ships. She shook her head at my latest statement.

"No, actually, the Empire died about thirty years ago."

I turned to face her slowly, raising my eyebrows in shock. She glanced in my direction for a moment, before returning her eyes to the screen. Blinking, I considered the time difference. Ten or twenty more years than I originally thought.

I coughed nervously. "I guess it doesn't make that big of deal anyway, now does it?"

Dätura shook her head, not seeming to care about my sudden confusion with time. Like that hadn't happened recently, ya' know. Yeah, right.

Dätura continued her little history lesson, talking so much that sometimes I wished that she had stopped. She seemed very passionate about it, in an odd, kind of detached way. Maybe it was just because she was teaching somebody instead of just talking about it. I learned the whole history of the last days of the 'Old' Republic, the Empire and beginnings of the New Republic. It was interesting throughout, for the most part.

The hardest thing for me to come to terms with, I think, was the loss of the Jedi. Sure, I had never been close to them for the most part. I had never fought in the Clone Wars with them. I hadn't ever enjoyed their teachings. But … knowing that the defenderes of peace and justice in the galaxy were gone, all gone was … unsettling, to say the least.

After a long while, we finally grew tired so we headed off for the night. I fell asleep as soon as I hit the bed.

Awaking the next day, I was feeling good about myself. The aching in my chest seemed to grow every now and then, but I ignored it. Keeping all emotion hidden behind my never-faulting smirk was my way, after all.

The next few days passed, and I found myself helping Jacen with lightsaber training. I would correct his style, and help the students with mental exercises. Through the whole thing, I found a feeling of home and comfort. Holding a lightsaber felt like such a _right_ thing, that I didn't even think about it much. I simply did everything with a natural smoothness and grace that came to me out of nowhere and everywhere at once. It wasn't until Jacen challenged me to a duel on the last day he was there that I thought I had any extraordinary talent.

Lining up to spar, we bowed to each other and drew our lightsabers. My wooden handle fit so perfectly in my hand, I barely knew it was there. Igniting our blades, I had to marvel for a moment at his emerald green light. A lightsaber really is a beautiful thing. My amethyst blade came to life, and I smiled.

Adrenaline is like spice to me.

We stared at each other for a long moment, before he made the first move. Time seemed to slow as I saw him swing in high from my left. A small eternity could be spent deciding on what to do, but I only needed a nanosecond.

Pushing off with my left foot, I built up stength in my blow as I came down hard on his blade. My strike made him falter backwards for a moment. I had struck his second ring of defense with exceptional force, sending his blade down. He still held on tightly to his saber, a mistake I made him regret.

Pivoting my left foot as it hit the ground, I lashed out with my right. My foot hit the side of his face before he could ever see it coming.

Jacen landed with a _thud_ on the ground. He didn't move for a full ten seconds.

All of which everyone spent simply staring at him, just laying there. Bleeding from the nose.

Then all eyes turned on me, as I stood there and gaped at what I'd just done.

"Er… I'm sorry?" I let out a nervous laugh, not sure what quite to do about anything. I had just knocked Jacen on his ass in a matter of two seconds. After about a minute of complete silence, save my humming lightsaber, Jacen wobbled to his feet and wiped his nose on his sleeve.

He laughed, grinned lop-sidely at me, and said in his perfectly normal voice, "Good job."

I think I almost fainted. Flipping off my saber with a _wooosh_, I gave him a quick hug, and tried my best to apologize. He just kept on laughing though, telling me that I'd have to teach him that trick.

"Well… it wasn't really a trick at all. I just pushed down your blade and kicked." I shrugged. "It came naturally. I guess I was really good with a saber back in the day." Laughing a bit more, now that his nose had stopped bleeding, he decided to wrap up the class for the day.

"You saw what Deseray did. She used physical attacks along with her strength and lightsaber skills." He addressed the whole group, gesturing with his hands. "A combination of techniques that took me by surprise. Think about that sometime, and practice with each other on what you've learned here. I won't be here from now on, but the Master will be and so will Deseray," he paused and turned to me. "I hope, anyway."

It made me blush a bit but I simply shrugged. After that, he dismissed the group, and we all went in to get ready for dinner. I walked with Dätura, as always.

"Nice moves, back there."

I nodded, enjoying her company lately more than ever. She reminded me of Tori so much it hurt sometimes. I guess I'm such a masochist that I enjoyed the pain to some extent.

"Thanks, even though I almost broke Jacen's nose."

"Hm."

I smiled despite her lack of response. I had grown the like the girl, and not just because she reminded me of Tori so much. She was interesting, and she seemed just so… not normal, that I could love being around her, even though she rarely talked. We got around that though. As to say, I got around that. She just continued being antisocial and cold. It was fine by me, because I was the only one who could make her falter. I didn't know what it was at the time, but something about the way she reacted to me should have given me a clue. Being as mindless as I was then (pardon the pun), I just didn't put two and two together.

I talked about the small duel between me and Jacen, and how I felt bad for hitting him so hard.

"Everything just flows so well when I've got my lightsaber in hand, though." I stuck my hands in front of me, acting as if I was holding the hilt of it. I swung my imaginary sword back and forth, like I was testing its weight. Dätura scoffed at me.

We arrived inside the Temple, and boared the turbo lift. We always ended up far behind anybody else, which never seemed to bother me. Inside the lift, I continued on in my fascination with lightsaber battles. I kept trying to get her to say something, but she was especially quiet that day. She never looked at me at dinner, and when it was over, she got out as quickly as she could.

"Erin, do you know what's up with Dätura?" I questioned her right after dinner. She shook her head.

"No, she's always like this, isn't she?" She caulked her head to one side, giving me an odd look. Had she really not seen her lately? Or at all?

I waved it off mentally. "I don't know, maybe it's just me." I gave her my best reassuring smile, but I could tell it didn't work too well on her. Going to bed early that night, all I wanted was a good night's sleep. The lightsaber battle had taken a lot out of me, and I was in no mood to remember or dream.

Of course, I couldn't be that lucky.

~~`~{@

The woman standing across from me was glaring, despite her Jedi training. She always had a tendency to do that. Master Kitigoe was a by the book Jedi Master, but her emotions always took over when she dealt with me.

I, of course, took advantage of this every time I got.

"I don't care." I said slowly, stressing every word. My fists were clenched at my sides in anger.

"You're giving into your anger, Padawan." She said lightly, contrasting to her dark features. She tossed light blue hair over her shoulder before continuing to lecture me. "Anger means the Dark Side. Don't you realize what you're doing?"

I scoffed. "I don't care! Don't you understand, Master? You say that Jedi don't feel emotion, and that there is only peace. If I could live by that, then why did the Council stick me with _you_?" I spat the last word as if I was swearing. I knew this would only worsen the situation, and that I was being childish, but because of what she did to me I didn't care anymore. "To Hell with the Code! Why can't I live by my own rules? Tori always did!" I took a step forward and spread my arms to emphasize my point.

"And look were _she_ ended up!" The Master yelled back, almost letting me get completely under her skin. She closed her eyes and turned away from me. I heard her sigh in defeat. "How can you do this to me?" She asked weakly. "You're the only one who can do this to me. A little Padawan …" she said the last part more to herself than me, whispering it carefully under her breath.

I glared at her back for a moment, near feeling sorry for her. I had done this before, but never had she actually yelled at me. I knew I had gone way too far this time. But what she had said about Tori was unforgivable.

The Master turned to face me, her eyes full of sadness. "Padawan, please forgive me. I've let my emotions get the better of me. We both need to relax a bit, and then we can start to work out the things between us."

I shook my head and crossed my arms. "Like we've done a million times before? I'm sorry Master, but I've had enough of the Jedi. I can't act as I see fit under your rules."

"How you see fit is the Dark Side, Deseray." She said softly, like she pitied me. I hate being pitied.

"No!" I said loudly, and stepped back from her. Her features melted back into the emotionless mask that I so hated about Jedi Masters. "I'm so _tired_ of the whole 'fear and anger are to be hated, but so is hate' routine! I can't take this anymore, Yuki! I'm my own person, not some Jedi drone that goes around defending what they think is 'just'." I took a deep breath and met her gaze. "I'm not going to do this any longer."

"You're training is not complete, Padawan." Her voice had become firm and even again. "You shouldn't just walk out on it like this. The Dark Side …"

"I don't care about the Dark Side." I paused. "And… don't call me that. I'm not your Padawan now."

It took me a moment to get my legs to work, but when I did finally reach the door, I could feel her despair. It was palpable in the air, and I was sure you didn't need Jedi senses to feel it. My heart ached, but I knew where I belonged. It wasn't with the Jedi.

"Where will you go?" Her voice was so weak, I almost missed the question.

Stopping in the doorway, I put one arm on the frame to steady myself. I felt like I was going to vomit, and for good reason. I was, after all, walking out on the only life I had ever known. I inhaled deeply and tried to stop my world from spinning. "Back to Morbos."

There was a silence between us, and though my back was to her, I could feel her despair increase.

"And to Tori…?" Her question was valid, but I was a little annoyed by it. I closed my eyes and sighed.

"Yes."

I didn't hear her at the time, but I knew what she would have said if she was able to speak. 'I'll be here waiting if you ever come back.' And I would have said, 'I know.'

Then it was over. I was out of the Jedi Temple without looking back. I had everything of value already one me: My Jedi robe, my datapad, my lightsaber and enough credits to get me to Morbos. Outside it was raining hard. I took off my robe and welcomed the chilling water as it poured down on me mercilessly.

At the spaceport, I convinced an old spacer to take me to Morbos. I was there in a few days, in one of the two cities on the planet.

_My_ planet.

The planet that, because of it's place in the Republic, I had been taken away from as an infant to be trained as a Jedi. Not many on my planet had Jedi skills, so I was considered very special. So was Tori Miller from the House of Zoicite, my best friend.

Anyone else would have considered our reuniting odd. I walked out of the ship and handed my credits to the spacer. Making my way across the hanger, I headed outside at the first chance. More rain greeted me. It was odd, though, because it felt so _right_ just standing there in the downpour. My eyes were closed, but that didn't hinder my Jedi senses. I felt her standing behind me, radiating happiness.

~~`~{@

I was awake the moment after the dream ended. My eyes opened fully the moment I awoke, but I didn't more right away. The things hit me one after the other so quickly that it made my head spin, even though I was laying down.

I was only 15 when I left the Jedi Temple on Corusant, just a child in the eyes of the Republic. But I was an adult by Morbos' standards. Tori and me were together from that day on. We functioned like one person, knowing what the other would do or say next. We smuggled spice on a ship dubbed the 'Galaxia' for about ten years, only making contact with two of our Jedi friends every now and then. The ship was two Z-95 Headhunters molded into one. Tori's idea, of course. We lived as smugglers, hardly ever using our Jedi powers or lightsabers. We considered ourselves Jedi anyway, following the Code at our own discretion. The Council considered us threats, and we never fought during the Clone Wars.

Sitting up and crossing my legs, I sighed in relief. Everything had come back to me. I was _me_ again. All the things I had done up until this point made sense. I had blown-up at Luke because I couldn't recall who I really was. All I knew was the Code and I had acted upon that knowledge alone. My link through the Force couldn't find my soul mate, Tori, so I had panicked.

Getting out of bed and dressing quickly, I planned to tell my findings to Luke. I couldn't wait to tell him everything, though I had a feeling he would be upset with me. I mentally shrugged as I splashed cold water on my face. I didn't really care what a Jedi Master thought. The Jedi did not rule my life. The Force is the decider of all things, and I'm not saying that I'm not influenced by it, but the Jedi Code itself is far too strict for my tastes.

Looking at myself in the mirror, I smiled the same smile I had when someone would asked me if I could make the Kessel run without getting sucked into the Maw. 'Do you think I'm some kind of novice?' I would say, crossing my arms over my chest. I would raise my eyebrow and put as much venom in my voice as possible. 'Cause if you do, I might just have to teach you a little lesson in being polite.' I would lean forward and thump two fingers against their chest (depending on race, of course), usually making them stumble backward at my strength. My race had always been stronger in comparison to other humans of the galaxy, due to the high gravity on Morbos. That was always the thing that saved me, it seemed, because of my lack of height and my decision not to use my lightsaber. I would caulk my head to one side and grin impishly. Or maybe it was my looks. Smirking, I also noticed that I had only aged about five years or so when I was put I in stasis for so long. They must have been expensive stasis tubes to keep my aging that slowed down. I made a mental note to ask Luke about it.

I let out a little laugh, despite the longing for Tori that only seemed to grow. Hiding emotions with smirks and quips seemed to work well enough with most people. Jedi, on the other hand…

I pushed the thought out of my mind. The Jedi of my time were all a bunch of uptight idiots that didn't see their own fate when it was right under their noses. I slammed my hand against the refresher unit before turning to leave. After all, Luke would be thrilled to know that the one time he stumbles across a living part of the past, it happened to be a renegade Jedi.

Yeah, right.

  
  
_End chapter 6_


	7. Chapter 7 - Come to me

**Chapter 7**   
  


"You're not going to believe this."

Luke looked up from his holocron calmly, and met my eyes with an odd kind of expectance. I guess he knew I'd be coming around sometime. 

"Yes, Deseray?" 

I smirked as I slammed down my data pad on the table on which he was sitting cross-legged. "I knew some Jedi, back in the day. Besides Tori, there were two more. One of them was the Master, the other, the apprentice." My smirk widened. "What was you father's name, Luke?" 

I saw something in his eyes flicker, but it was so quick that I didn't say anything. 

"Anakin." He said softly. "His name was Anakin Skywalker." 

I laughed out loud, then pressed a few buttons on my data pad. A hologram, life-size, came to life out of a small, hidden generator in the side. I turned it so the hologram was in front of us both. Leaning on the table beside him, I fixed my gaze on the bluish image of a good friend of mine. 

"I knew your father, Luke." I stole a glance in his direction. The holocron was forgotten in his lap as he stared, almost slack-jawed, at the image before him. "I also knew his master. I trust you've met or at least heard of Obi-Wan Kenobi?" 

He nodded numbly. "How did you…?" He pointed to the hologram. 

"I'm getting to that." I said matter-of-factly. "Me and Kenobi would meet up sometimes, having an adventure or two. Maybe me and Tori stealing Ani away for a few drinks. Purely against Kenobi's wishes, of course." I let out another laugh. "So, let's see what Obi-Wan here has to say." I flashed him a grin, but I don't think Luke saw it. 

Pressing another button on the pad, the hologram flickered to life. First, a soft smile graced his lips. He always looked so nice when he smiled, too. Too bad there was a sad accent to his posture, or else he would have been as handsome as ever. 

"Deseray Sequoia of Rosemary, Tori Miller of Zoicite, I apologize for the inconvenience this may have caused. You know what transpired in the Clone Wars, and you know what kind of heart Anakin possesses. You two saw it before I did, and now I fear that his anger has gotten the best of him. He works under the Light Side, and always has. But you both know his…" Kenobi took a deep breath, letting us see how nervous he really was. Luke had a puzzled look on his face as Kenobi went on. "Past. You know Ani very well, and what he is capable of. I'm afraid that I don't see much in the future for the Jedi, though. It's a very clouded path. This is why I've taken care of you two." My smirk faded quickly. Obi-Wan was the one who put us into stasis? 

He bowed his head down and closed his eyes. "I'm sorry, Deseray, Tori. I had to get you out of harm's way. Remember when I went to talk to the Council about my visions?" His head came back up, and his eyes were troubled. "They didn't listen to me. Plain and simple, as you would say, they turned me away. I near panicked, and I had to do something. I guess Qui-Gon rubbed off on my more than I thought." A small chuckle escaped him. "I've gone against the council. Yes, I know what you would say, Dez. Saw that one coming…"

Obi-Wan's eyes drifted closed slowly, and he rolled his head back. He let out a sigh of such sadness that it could make any heart ache. Beside me I heard Luke gasp a bit. Emotion was vibrating through the Force so strongly it almost made me flinch. It made me remember what an unorthodox Jedi Luke really was. "The asteroid belt around Morbos," continued Kenobi, "should keep you both safe enough. That is, is should have kept you safe. I've foreseen both of you will keep in stasis safely for however long this lasts." He leveled his eyes with us again. "Hopefully it won't be long, but if it is… You know about the Queen. She loves Anakin with all her heart, but … if her children fall into Anakin's hands while he is this unstable, I fear the worst." 

Abruptly, the hologram flickered out. After a long silence that stretched between us, I finally dared to speak. 

"Kenobi wasn't always the best at making speeches, after all." I tried a grin, but it failed. I don't think it mattered in the least anyway, because Luke was still staring blankly at the space where the hologram once was. 

In an oddly even and composed voice, Luke spoke. "He was so young. Barely a Jedi Knight when he trained Anakin, and just in his twenties during the Clone Wars. I… didn't realize he was so young." I nodded as my voice shook. "Yeah, that he was." 

"Ben, I mean, Obi-Wan. Was he… and Anakin, my father, where they … your friends, or…." He took a deep, shuttering breath before snapping out of his trance-like state and jumping off the table. The holocron hit the floor with a sharp clatter, making me visibly wince at the sound. Looking me straight in the eyes, it didn't seem to me that Luke needed any sort of response. More like he was waiting for me to bombard him with questions. At the time, though, I was just as much at a loss for words as he was. 

He stood there, in silence, for a long time. Just staring at me. And I stared back, knowing that with each passing moment I was showing more and more of myself than I had in a long time. Behind my eyes flickered memories of Obi-Wan and Anakin and I knew that Luke saw them all. The first time me and Tori tricked Anakin into drinking Corellian beer, and when Obi-Wan had walked in on it. When, while helping an alien humanoid species, Anakin had gotten emotionally attached to one of the boys. His reaction when the boy was knocked unconscious during battle was less than equal to that of a Jedi, and Obi-Wan's reaction to his outburst. The goods and the bads of it all, through the few short years we had together. It all passed through my memories in a rush. 

It was a while before I spoke. "Tell me," I said weakly, at first, then stronger. "about Anakin. He's fine, I'm sure. That little boy could have won over the galaxy if he'd tried." 

Luke's face fell. Only for an instant, then his Jedi mask was back. Anger flared inside of me, but that was one emotion I couldn't let out, not yet. 

"He did." Luke took a deep breath as if to interrupt my questions that I wasn't going to ask. "He owned the entire galaxy, for a long time. Palpatine, the Emperor. He had a man to carry out his duties. And that man, Darth Vader, was the one who killed my father. Anakin Skywalker came back, though, in the end. He redeemed himself… through it all." 

At first I didn't understand what he had said. He was talking in riddles, like the old Council of the Jedi used to do. Then it clicked inside of me, like a switch. My vision went black, then white, then clear, then swirling around me like the storms of Bespin. Pain blossomed in my chest like a flower, only far less beautiful. 

Anakin Skywalker, Luke's father, the boy who was like a little brother to me… He was Darth Vader. Slayer of the Jedi, the one who Obi-Wan had hid me and Tori from. 

I knew, as soon as my mind stilled and I could see Luke in front of me again, that I had to find Tori, or else I would truly lose myself in pain. I had to find the last of my only three friends. Closing my eyes, I let out a deep sigh. 

"Deseray…" Luke's deep voice cut through my senses. 

"I'm fine," I said, almost yelling. I looked back up at him and squared my shoulders. I knew what I had to do. "But, I'm sorry Luke. I have to leave." 

He nodded solemnly, knowing what I meant. I turned slowly, heading out the door. At first, I hadn't a clue where to go, but I knew that there was something I had to find. Something Luke had waited to show me, something I didn't know about…

So I headed to the room that I awakened in. It still had the residue of my feelings in the air. Thick and panicky, and I could barley breath as I stood there. Something pulled at my mind, taking me out of the room and down the corridor. My feet seemed to walk on their own. 

It brought me to a place, looking like the one I had just left. Only this room had a different feel to it. The panic and fear weren't evident nearly as much. There was a certain sort of confusion that was blinding after a few moments in there. And then I noticed the flows in the Force itself within the space. It was … odd. A presence, almost, inside of the room. A memory, a feeling, a conscience. It had been waiting for me, and now it was speaking words that would help me on my journey. All of it, like I should know something that I couldn't place. It was yelling at me, for me. Telling me to…

Come. 

It was telling me to come. 

No… _She_ was telling me to come. 

Tori. 

  
  
_End chapter 7_


	8. Chapter 8 - Lightspeed

  
  
**Chapter 8**   
  


Within twenty-four hours, the maximum amount of time I allowed myself before going insane on the small moon of Yavin 4, I took it upon myself to get the most amount of information out of Luke in the cruelest way possible. Sure, he had given me hospitality when I needed it the most, and sure, he had been kind and patient with me throughout my recovery, but he had also knowingly kept information from me about my best friend. While I was increasingly distressed about it. And after I had given him information about his father, and former Master.

Ok, so maybe I wasn't all _that_ justified in my actions… But at the time, I didn't care. I was pissed.

"So why did you hid it from me?" I said crossly, looking Luke sternly in the eyes. The dim light of the small hanger downplayed on my frustration, though. He looked at me coolly, but didn't respond. Bringing up the lights, he gestured to the only ship in the deserted hanger. It wasn't much of a site. Something no sane being would pilot, or so it looked. It happened to be one of the most reliable ships in the sector, and to that I'd bet my life. How do I know? I'm the one who built it; my ship, the Galaxia.

"I didn't want you to run off and get hurt." Luke's voice cut through my thoughts. "But it looks like I can't prevent that now." At that, he turned on a heel and left.

I let out a deep sigh. What did Luke think I was, some sort of child? I should have been twice his age by then, but no, I got 'protected' by Obi-Wan as well. I would have gladly fought against the Emperor, and the newly turned Dark Anakin. I might have been able to redeem him, for that matter. Instead, I was locked within unconscious for my own _protection_.

Angrily, I stalked towards the ship that me and Tori once shared. So much pain, happiness and love was trapped within its cold, aged, metal bulkheads. The Force itself seemed to favor the ship, and anyone who was mildly Force-sensitive could tell that. I punched in the code, and down came the gangplank. Tori had insisted that we special-fit the Headhunter hybrid with it, because she despised the way the cockpit shield came up on the ship. So, we wielded the shield down and fit in a small door below one of the wings. A true miracle it even held together, really.

Stepping inside the ship, I breathed in the rank, damp air. Flipping on the lights, I smiled. It was just how we left it.

The small table, only seating three, was right on the opposite wall of the cabin, next to which stood two bunk beds. A sliding door separated the cabin from the three-meter square sickbay, which we ended up using far too often. The food processor and small gas-powered stove (for when Tori would get a wild hair and try to cook) was to my right, and the sliding door to the cockpit on my left.

I sighed, and set to work.

It took me a good four or five hours to get the ship operating again. That included doing a digital revamp of the life support systems, and a physical re-calibration of the shield generator. Both were broken down, almost beyond repair. I guess not using a ship for more than forty years causes it to fall into disrepair. Who knew?

The long, tedious hours of work (i.e., me burning my hands and swearing up a storm enough to make a Hutt wince) gave me time to think about what Luke had told me after I inquired about my rescue. That is, the rescue of Tori and me.

"We found you after an old holocron mentioned your planet." His voice was even, but his eyes never once met mine. "I stumbled across your ship with your stasis chambers inside after a little hint through the Force. You're lucky it wasn't carbonite freezing, or else you might not have recovered so well." He cleared his throat, as if he was nervous all of a sudden. Luke was not the greatest at maintaining his 'Jedi Calm'. "We brought you both here, and Tori was the first to wake. She made a slightly … better recovery than you did." I bit my tongue and tried not to laugh, but Luke didn't notice. "Jacen told me, after she stole an extra X-wing in the main hanger, that she was awake." That time, I couldn't help myself from busting up laughing. He gave me a slightly annoyed look, giving me the definite impression that he didn't share my humor.

I smirked at the memory while attempting to re-wire the food processor, and succeeded in shocking myself again.

"K'so!" I leaped away from the panel I was tinkering with, falling flat on my back. Rubbing the pain out of my hand, I lay there, thinking. Both Luke and Kenobi had hidden things away to keep people from getting hurt. Mainly, me. It made me mad, knowing that they would do something that extreme, or so it seemed to me. My anger reminded me of the time me and Dätura sat atop the Great Temple, and she told me about the ships in orbit. Sure, they were there to protect, but what about _my_ ability to defend myself? I sighed heavily in frustration.

"Dätura…"

"DESERAY!" A shrill shriek cut through the air, making me jump slightly. Heavy footsteps clamored up the gangplank, and the face of one Erin Durron looking like she had just burst a blood vessel in her brain greeted me. I winced.

"What the HELL are you DOING?" she continued, obviously not taking the news of my eventual leave well.

I sighed deeply once more, and sat up. "Listen, Erin, I don't need your advice on my life. Really, I know what I'm doing." Using the hand that I hadn't just fried, I pushed myself off the ground and proceeded to lean against the wall. Erin crossed her arms and gave me the look that said, 'I think you're an idiot'. Rolling my eyes, I gestured for her to continue.

"So, the Master said you're off to look for your friend Tori. Is this because you've found out the horrible truth of the galaxy, and want to escape it? Or is it because you think that now that you've got your memories back, you've got too much _pride_ to stick around here with us _Jedi_?" I opened my mouth to protest, but she continued. "And you don't even stop to think that _maybe_, now that you've got friends here as well, we'd like to help you a bit? But no, you're off to save the world!" She scoffed. "Or should I say, _your_ world. Forgetting about people like Dätura isn't going to help anyone, Dez."

I gave her a puzzling look. "What do you mean, 'people like Dätura?'"

Erin straightened visibly, and I remember thinking that she would make a poor smuggler. She cleared her throat nervously, pausing to continue.

"You… didn't know." I opened my mouth to respond, but she cut me off. "Listen, that isn't the point, Dez! You can't just run off and leave behind people that care about you! What about Jacen, and Corban? They both _loved_ being around you! You're the living history that the Jedi now-a-days look to for guidance. You're the person who knows about the practices that we should be training by, but are unable to! You-"

"Shut up, Erin."

She still had her mouth open when I physically pushed her out the door. Only when she was down the gangplank did she protest.

"Wait! What about-"

"I said, shut _up_!" Turning around to face her from inside the ship, I found myself glaring. I was enraged by her attempt to stop me from doing what I thought was right. People had always tried to stop me from doing things that they 'knew' were wrong, but what I actually had reason to believe were right. Theirs was just speculation, but mine was gut instinct. And now, Erin was telling me not to follow what I knew was my path just because some people might be a little upset.

"And Dätura?" Erin's quiet voice jolted me back to reality.

I shook my head and crossed my arms. The natural smirk rested on my lips as I spoke words I only half believed, and something died in the air as it passed through my lips.

"What about her?"

***

Three days later, I was ready. I didn't talk to anyone after my confrontation with Erin, and I don't think that anyone really wanted to talk with me, either. I prepared my ship, eventually towing it outside to the landing field to make the armor and outside maintenance repairs. With the hyperdrive back online and the main computer answering like it should at tops speed once more, I felt I was ready to go. Almost.

I felt bad about shunning everyone so quickly, especially for Erin, whom I had yelled at. She was just a little girl, after all. I couldn't bear to apologize, though. I may be a Jedi, but I still have an ego. So I didn't say anything those last three days. I knew that when he woke in the morning, Luke would feel me gone, and know what had transpired.

It was midnight, right after planetrise. I made my way to the silvery sliver of steel that was my ship, laying on the edge of the Yavin jungle. I felt like I might be going insane, right then. A thick, warm wind came off the trees as I stepped out of the Great Temple's shadow. Something was odd about the night. Just the way that the shadows fell from the tall, Massassi trees made me shiver despite the warm air.

I punched in the codes, and down came the gangplank. Like a ghost, or so it seemed, I melted into the demi-Headhunter's bulk. A wave of sadness overcame me as soon as I set my foot down inside. It was so strong, that it's power caused me to stop. Regret tried to plant itself in my thoughts, then doubt. Doubt that I'd never find Tori, and I mind as well not try. Then memories came, flooding me with confusion.

I just defeated Jacen in a lightsaber battle. Only this time, I heard the children's thoughts instead of just their words. The kids clamored for more, silently wishing they could do what I had done so easily. And in the back, Dätura felt a sense of amusement.

Then I was sitting on the wing of the Galaxia, fixing a loose wire. The sweat dripped into my eyes every few moments, and I irritably wiped it away. The hot, humid air choked around me and I silently prayed for the rains of Morbos to wash through the jungle at that very instant. Faintly, and not noticed until this recreation of the memory from the day before, I felt a tinge of fear coming from someone far off. Like what I had wished for was some kind of bad omen.

Then I was sitting atop the temple, with Dätura at my side, talking of the Republic's ships in orbit. Her every movement, every word, every tilt of her head projected emotion that I hadn't been able to feel before. Annoyance, inward struggle to control her 'mad self', a term that came so readily I immediately wondered who was choosing these words.

I spun around, and found the culprit. Stand there, half-covered by the shadow of the ship's left wing, she stood. Bare, pale legs shown in the light of the gas giant while her clear, conformed voice pierced the impossibly thick air.

"You're not leaving without me, Deseray Sequoia of Rosemary. I won't allow it."

Taking a step forward, she came into full view. I almost gasped aloud at the sight of her short dress, pulled over a light, netted shirt. I wondered why she dressed so nice when she obviously knew I was in for some dirty work. Over her shoulder, and holding her only possessions, was slung a small bag. I stood there, staring at her, for who knows how long. I just couldn't get enough of it all. Now, facing her with my full memories and full Jedi senses, I was completely alert to everything that she was. A fighter, a scholar, a pilot, a good shot and beyond all that, a loyal friend.

What struck me most was the 'friend' part of it. Amazing revelations for me, feeling so incredibly alone in the universe, to have a friend I didn't even know about offering to risk her life for something she had not a clue to even attempt to understand. Was this what Erin was talking about when she asked, 'What about Dätura'?

"Dätura…?" I heard myself say, with more guarded emotion that I would have liked.

She nodded, orange hair shinning in the light of the planet. Walking calming up the gangplank, she stood in front of me, determination clearly showing in her glowing eyes. She spoke volumes to me without a word. It reminded me of…

Tori. She was just like her, just like… 

Just like Tori.

Nodding, I showed her to the cockpit. She planted herself in the copilot seat, and we began pre-flight preps.

Not a word passed between us, much like my time with Tori. My conversations with my old life-mate were usually filled with deep, psychological meaning, swear words, or sexual references. Most anything other than that was to put up a show for others, so they wouldn't mistrust us. Of course, it might have been better for some if they didn't trust us at all, but that's their own fault.

With everything in place, and the both of us strapped in, I carefully picked the pseudo Headhunter off the soft ground, and lifted in into the waiting air. Once through the atmosphere, the New Republic ships didn't give us anything more than a simple scanning. I figured that Luke must have told them of my planning to leave, and not to bother me.

With one final word, I left behind the emerald moon of Yavin 4, and began a journey that I'll never forget. I breathed it softly, so as not to break the tranquility of the solace that surrounded the two of us.

"Lightspeed."

The stars bent, streaked, and soon the bluish tunnel of hyperspace swallowed us whole.

*** 

"What the hell?!"

I coughed a bit, making a disgusted face. "You're right, what the hell have you been eating? Your breath is terrible." I let out a sharp laugh when the male Galaxia in front of me scowled.

"Listen, _human_, I don't have to take your shit." He slammed his tattooed hand on the table between us. Half the room glanced over at the noise as his jet-black hair fell in front of his flashing blue eyes. I smirked back at him, knowing he was close to giving in.

"Human?" I purred. "You look pretty _human_ yourself, mister." I swear I could hear him growl. "Sure, you may have those tattoos all up your arms and legs, but you're still human."

It was his turn to laugh. "Humans are irrational and fearful. I am not a human; these," he traced one of the black swirls on his hand, "aren't the only things that make me better than you." A sneer curled his lips, but in a moment it was gone.

Sprawled on the floor of the tavern, he wailed in pain. Before he even hit the floor, I knew I had broken his jaw. Standing quickly, I pulled my blaster and set it to kill. The bar had become deathly quiet, much to my discontent. I didn't let it show, however.

"I asked you nicely, slimo, but you didn't listen." I pulled the trigger, sending a blaster bolt into the floor, a few centimeters from his nose. "So, I'll tell you this time. You're going to give me the info I asked for. NOW."

Lying helplessly on the floor, he nodded.

"I thought Galaxia was the name of your ship." It was one of the few things that Dätura had said to me in the past three days we had been on Morbos.

"It is, but it's also the name of a species on Morbos who, by legend, can become humanoid. There are only a few cases of these, Tori being one of them. And this guy," I fwapped him over the head as he typed away at the keyboard. "is another one of them. Are you done yet?"

Shaking his head, he continued to type eagerly.

"So why do we need him, again?"

"He knows every move of every smuggler around here. Tori and me used to move a lot through Morbos since this is one of the more over-looked planets of the Republic. At least, it used to be… I'm not too sure now, but I'm guessing it hasn't changed much." I shrugged. "How's it going, nerf herder?" I taunted the man in front of the terminal, and he scowled back as best he could with a broken jaw. Tattooed fingers quickened on the keys, and finally rested. He gestured towards the screen as both me and Dätura leaned in to look.

Names, from all different languages, filled the screen spelled out in Basic letters. And across from each one, the name of their ship and each and every transaction they had made in the last month. I scrolled down the list rather quickly, searching for Tori's name.

"Tori Miller, Tori Miller, Tori Miller…" I barley contained my joy as I found her name glowing green at the end of the list. My hand tightened on the desk I was leaning on as I pushed the man out of his chair. He hit the floor with a thump and a cry, but I paid no heed. I pulled up the information concerning Tori in a second, grinning from ear to ear.
    
    **
    Name: Tori Miller
    Species: Galaxia-Human, Morbos
    Vehicle Name: Unknown
    Vehicle Modal: Corellian Cruiser
    Cargo: Virgin Spice (Kessel)
    Net Volume: 50 kilos
    Pick up: Morbonian Planetary Spaceport
    Destination: Corusant District 10B Spaceport
    Supplier: Classified
    **

Dätura touched my shoulder, taking me out of my daze. I jumped a bit, and leaned away from the screen I had gotten very close to. The man was still on the floor when we left, whining like some pathetic animal. I threw him a few credits for his trouble only because Dätura told me to.

We left Morbos that day at 1.15 times lightspeed for Corusant. I wanted to get there as soon as possible, though I regretted leaving Morbos so soon. It was nice, being back where the gravity felt right and the people where fairly easy to deal with. I could tell that Dätura was getting more and more restless with every day we spent there. So the parting from my home planet was bittersweet.

Along the way, me and Dätura got the chance to talk, and I got the chance to really get the details on her coming along in the first place. We were sitting at the small table playing a game of holo-chess and drinking tea. I couldn't stand the silence after a few minutes, so I decided to break it the only way I could think of.

"So, why'd ya follow me out here?" I glanced up at her and noticed she had frozen in the middle of a move. Her eyes were burning hot coals. "It's not like you have anything to do with this journey of mine, after all." I kept my voice light, trying to dispel the tension that was building. Wrong question, I guessed.

"I didn't want you to get hurt." Dätura spoke softly, much more than I was used to hearing her.

I scoffed, none-the-less. Her eyes flicked for a moment, but I tried not to notice. "Like what Luke said to me, right? Didn't want me to get hurt, or do something stupid, or run off and actually act on my emotions. Am I right?"

"You're right, Deseray. Like always, I'm sure." Her words cut like glass.

"Like always?" I leaned back and looked her squarely in the eyes. They burned brighter now, the orange seeming more vibrant with every moment. Our game was forgotten. "What do you mean, 'like always'?"

She sighed, giving me a look that said, 'you know what I mean'. The emotion on her face was little to none, so I'm not sure how she managed this, but she did. "I suppose that yelling at Luke, leaving without saying goodbye to Jacen, running from your link to the past and embarking on a journey that you probably won't survive given your way of getting information were all good ideas." She raised one thin eyebrow at me, crossing her arms and lifting her chin.

Then there was silence.

I coughed. "Well, if you put it that way, anything sounds bad." If I didn't know better, I would've said that she was trying to suppress a laugh. "Why does everyone think I'm going to do something big and stupid? It's like you're all counting on me getting shot, or falling to the Dark Side!" I pounded the table, even getting a jump from Dätura.

"Deseray, you know that's not-"

I waved my hand sharply. "Don't worry about it, Dai. I just gotta get used to you crazy people worrying over things that'll never happen." I spat these last words while pushing myself up from the table roughly. Grabbing my cup, I went to pour myself some more tea. "Tori was never this way."

Something in the Force stiffened, making it hard to breathe. The room closed in on me quickly as I turned to look at Dätura.

Her mouth was open slightly, eyes looking weak and hurt. There was so much pain etched into her other features that it made me want to cry.

"It's all about her… isn't it?"

"Dätura?" I was confused. "Of course it's- I mean, no. Well, yes, but… Dätura?" The air was so thick with her emotion that I was getting lightheaded.

She shook her head violently. "Nevermind, I'm sorry." The emotion disappeared from her face and the air as she calmed down. But I was still confused.

"What… just happened?" I said after a moment, sitting down across from her once more. "I'm sorry if I offended you, or something…"

Dätura shrugged, her eyes downcast. "I just… overreacted. I… apologize." She stood up quickly, almost stumbling as she retreated to the back of the ship. "I…" She was out of the room in a second, locking the sickbay door behind her.

I didn't see her again until the next day. She didn't even speak to me until we came into orbit of Corusant a few days later. Morbos was in the Middle-to-Outer Ring territories, and it wasn't a straight shot by any means to get to the Capital world. So the rest of the trip was long and quiet, even though I tried talking with her about her outburst. Or was it my outburst? I wasn't sure what had happened, but finally, I decided to put it behind me.

And to add to the fun of our trip to Corusant, landing was the same as always; A pain in the ass.

"It's Galaxia, not galaxy! G-a-l-a-x-i-a. Galaxia!" I heaved an irritated sigh that I hoped the docking man heard.

"So it's Galaxia, not Galaxy?" He asked blandly.

"Yes!" I almost shouted back at him through the comm system.

"Very good, sir. Name, please."

"Deseray Sequoia." I said through clenched teeth. We had already been through this.

"We've already been through this, I believe, sir."

"Yes, we have, you _idiot!_" I screamed into the microphone. "Now just let me land already!"

There was a pause. "Yes, sir. Docking bay 10B-94-AA. Enjoy your stay on Corusant, sir. Control out."

I cut the comm, and sped toward the planet with as much speed as they would allow. Unfortunately, it's never been fast enough for me.

We docked with little trouble, making our way to the nearest tavern to check out the local spice shipments. If Dätura wanted to say anything about my 'way of getting information', she didn't.

I slid up to the bar and flashed a smile that I'm sure would've won over the universe if I tried.

"Two Corellian whiskeys," I called to the bartender, who offered a grunt in return. When he came with our drinks, I waved him a bit closer and worked my magic.

"I'm looking for something special here, you see. I need some virgin spice." I let my voice flow like the Force as I leaned even closer to him. "Do you know anyplace… cheap?" I gave him a wink, and even though he wasn't any species I knew, I could tell it did the trick. Pointed discreetly to a dim-lit corner, he walked away with an odd smile on his lips. At least, I think they were his lips.

Taking my mug, I told Dätura to wait for me here. She simply nodded. I guess we were back to the 'no speaking' part of our relationship.

I waltzed up rather indirectly to the robed figure seated there. I guessed it was male, so I moved like a Twi'lek dancer as I approached him. It didn't go unnoticed, that's for sure. His voice was synthesized and hollow, but to the point.

"What do you want, human?"

I shrugged lightly, not looking directly at him. Who knows what could offend some people, and I needed this guy.

"Lookin' for some virgin," I chuckled lightly, "spice, that is." Sliding down into the seat opposite him, I continued. "I was told you'd be the one to ask."

He nodded slowly, pulling something out of his robe. I took the cue, and slid my arm across the small table, resting my hand on his sleeve. I tried not to grimace at the greasy texture, and instead focused on the sample bag he had tossed in front of me.

"As virgin as you get," his voice bubbled from within the shadows of his hood. "With a cost, of course. Five hundred a gram."

I almost choked. "Five _hundred_? And here I wanted to buy a kilo." I made it so it looked like I was about to stand up.

"But," I froze. "We could negotiate something a little more… economical. But, you know…." His voice was now slithering with something I didn't even want to fathom, but I played along.

"They'll be no fun with this spice," I purred, letting my face go hard and serious. He leaned away a tiny bit, taking the hint to back off or get hurt.

"Then the price stands." He was now angry, that much I could tell. I'd have to be careful from then on, or else I might be the one with spilt blood. 

"If I'm going to pay that price, then how do I know it's genuine?" The talk was business now, instead of playing some smuggling game.

I could almost hear his grin. "My word." He said softly, pulling the small pouch back into his robe.

"Your word's nothing to me." I bit back, letting a small smirk grace my lips.

He nodded. "You ever heard of N'gai Shirne?" I shook my head. "Good, because he's not the one who delivered this, straight from Kessel. He got is as far as a little backwater planet that you probably haven't heard of, and dropped it because he lost it in a bar fight." A mechanical laugh sounded from him, making me want to cringe at the sound of it.

"So how'd it get here?" I asked, making my voice sound skeptical. Finally, I was getting somewhere.

Another horrible laugh. "A young girl, called herself Zoicite, I think. Good luck finding her, she was off as soon as she dumped this and got the money."

I nodded, concealing how thrilled I really was. "So where can I pick up a fourth a kilo?"

"Docking bay 92 East, Port A3."

I picked up my whiskey, and headed toward the bar. Dätura followed after I set my drink down with a few credits and walked away. Out of the tavern and onto the streets of Corusant once again, I told her my plan.

"All right, we go to the bay and port he told me to, then ask about Tori. She's the one who delivered it, so I'm guessing the handler has seen her sometime. And those tattoos are pretty hard to miss, so-"

"You're going to punch him until he talks, right?"

I blinked, and looked back at her. So, now we were back into the talking business, I gathered, as well as the mind-reading business.

"Yeah, pretty much," Was all I said. She scoffed. Oh, emotions too, eh? This girl got stranger every day.

"Let me talk to him. He doesn't need a broken jaw like the last one."

It took me a moment to process everything. "Ok, I guess."

"And by the way, he was lying to you part of the time." I raised my eyebrow at her, and she nodded in return.

"You were reading him the entire time?" She nodded again. "So what did he lie about, or can I know?" I laughed a bit, knowing she wouldn't get the joke because it was a me-and-Obi-Wan thing.

Her voice was careful and soft, like she was afraid to say it. "Tori's still on the planet."

  
  
[end chapter 8] 


	9. Chapter 9 - Tiger! Tiger! Burning bright...

  
**

Chapter 9

**   
  


I stopped dead in my tracks, grabbing Dätura by the arm. She gave me a calm look, meeting me gaze for gaze. I noted absently that she was acting normal again, which was much more comfortable for me.

"You mean she's _here_?" I almost squeaked, unable to hide my excitement. Dätura nodded once then shook her head.

"No, not necessarily _here_, but the man knew that she hadn't left the planet yet."

I nodded absently. "So I'm not losing my Jedi senses. Did you pick up where she might be?"

She shook her head again. "No, not exactly. She might be doing another job for him, though."

"And that means that the dealer probably knows where she is!" I grinned, and began to walk again. It took us a good half an hour to get to the hanger that the man in the bar had told me about. It was part of the more run-down district, which made me nervous even though we were both Jedi. I didn't have my lightsaber with me for the sake of blending in, and Dätura's was hidden. It was eerie, because I remember that district being rather high-class in my day. Now it was a filthy hole full of bounty hunters and spice dealers. Sure, I used to work with their kind all the time, and I was a smuggler by trade, but these were the types that almost screamed evil and death. It made me sick, just walking through there.

Walking into the bay 92 East, and up to the port A3 wasn't much better. We got some weird looks, which only made me feel worse. I had forgotten what I was used to seeing all the time, which was scum and villainy. The dealer wasn't hard to find once we were in, though.

"Remember, let me do the talking." Dätura whispered as we approached the small crowd at the edge of the abandoned hanger. I nodded.

"One-forth a kilo of virgin." I whispered back.

"U-natch bakta lao tibo!" One Rodian was saying to another hooded figure, which I guessed to be the dealer.

"I told you, the price stands." A female voice spoke from underneath the hood. She leaned forward carefully, placing her hands on the small table in front of her. "Now pay up, or get out before I have to kill you." Her voice was icy and hard, and I was reminiscent of how mine used to be. It shook me slightly, but I felt better once Dätura began to speak.

"We're here to pick up a forth of a kilo of virgin spice." She flashed her orange eyes towards the Rodian who was still huffing angrily. "And we are ready to pay the price." Her voice was smooth and calm, and her demeanor was a lot like Tori's. It had something a bit more to it, though. Something more… seductive.

The hooded figure nodded eagerly. "Good, a person willing to do business." The Rodian swore, then turned and stalked away. She pulled a small pouch out of her robes, tossing it on the table. Dätura picked it up, holding it to the only light source in the large space. I took it away from her, and inspected it myself. Nodding silently, I passed it back to the woman.

"We'll take it," Dätura stated. The woman began to pull something from underneath the table. "As long as we can know who brought it here, that is."

The dealer froze, straightening considerably. Crossing her arms, she shook her head. "I don't give out names, missy."

Dätura actually smirked. I guess I was rubbing off on her a bit. "Then I guess you've lost yourself two deals today." She turned to leave, but was stopped by the wave of the woman's arm.

"All right, but you've caught me on a bad day." She took a deep breath and leaned forward again. "Her name was Zoicite. Odd little thing, with tattoos all over her. I only met her once, when she brought in the load from a little planet called Morbos. There you are, now," She lifted a small, flat box out from under the table. "Leave."

Reaching forward quickly, Dätura grabbed her by the neck. She pulled the woman over the table in a second, sending her sprawling on the floor of the hanger. A blaster fell out of the robes of the woman, who now pinned to the floor by Dätura. I picked it up, and pointed both hers and mine at the woman's head. She met me with angry, but human eyes that appeared black in the darkness.

"You're going to regret-"

"Shut up," Dätura bit her off quickly, twisting her arm a little more. The woman made a painful face, growling softly. "Tell us where this girl Zoicite is, or my partner here with fire."

A strained laugh escaped the woman. "You wouldn't."

"Wanna make that a bet?" I said sharply, clicking the safety off on both guns. They hummed to life, like snakes that were eager to strike.

She glared at me with pure hate in her features, but I shrugged it off like I had done so many times before.

"She's gone into the old Imperial District looking for more work."

"That's on the other side of the planet." I noted carefully.

"Yeah," the woman said, her voice sounding even more strained than before. "Said she needed money, and quick. Asked her why, but she didn't say."

I glanced to Dätura, to make sure the woman was telling the truth.

"You're lying about something." That answered my question.

The woman forced another snicker. "How would you know, missy?" She grunted in pain as Dätura twisted her arm a bit more. "All right, she said it was 'for a friend'! Now let me go."

Dätura nodded at me, signaling it was my turn.

"Oh, I don't know, I think we should kill her." I laughed outright, as the woman's eyes grew wide with fear. I lowered my voice. "Or we could just leave her here with a nice five hundred credits to clear her memory a bit." I raised my eyebrow. "Death or money, death or money… Oh, which one should you pick?" I taunted, feeling somewhat myself again in this situation.

"All right, all right, I'll take the money. Forgetting is something I'm good at, don't worry."

Dätura nodded, and stood up gracefully. I tossed the woman her blaster and a small bag of credits after she had stood back up. We turned away, heading out of there as quickly as possible.

***

Three days later, we were across the planet in the Imperial District. Apparently, it had kept its name through the actual Imperial days, and into the New Republic. It was always called that, even before the Empire, probably for the presence of so many capital buildings. There wasn't much smuggling going on there, but what was there was going for high prices.

That's probably why we spent three days looking, and found not a single clue to Tori's whereabouts. I even tried a Jedi trance, but either she was hiding or wasn't on the planet anymore. I believed it was the latter, despite Dätura insisting that the woman had told us the truth.

"Maybe she just _thought_ she was telling us the truth." I stated, sounding more and more distraught by the hour. We were seated in a bar just outside what was considered the 'tourist' part of the district.

Dätura shook her head. "No, I don't think so. Maybe Tori is hiding from us. Like she's got some unfinished business." She took a sip of her drink.

Now I was shaking my head. "I just can't imagine that Tori would do that. She knows how much I need her, and I'm sure that she can see how much pain I'm in." I stopped abruptly, hoping that Dätura didn't really register that last part. All I needed was another person worrying about me even more. There was an awkward silence between us before she broke it.

"You two were lovers, weren't you?"

Or, should I say, shattered it.

"Eh?" I jumped in my seat a little bit, and in the back of my mind I noted that she had done that to me a lot lately. "Lovers? No, never… What gave you that idea?" And, if I didn't know better, I would have said that Dätura turned bright red and that her eyes got as big as saucers right then. I almost called her on it, and I regret to this day not doing so.

"Well, with you talking about how much you need her and everything, I just assumed." She coughed nervously. "Nevermind."

I sat there looking at her downcast eyes for a long moment. I finally decided what to say, though nobody ever said anything about tact. "Dätura, why is it you get all upset when I talk about her?"

She straightened, and, to my surprise, glared at me. "Why do you think, Dez?"

I lifted my arms up in surrender. "I don't know, Dai. That's why I'm asking! Why did you come on this mission with me if you're against me finding her?"

"I'm not against you finding her, its just…" She took a deep breath, and broke my gaze. "It just seems like she doesn't want to be found."

Her words hit me like stones, stinging and bruising their way into me. "How can you say that?"

She met my eyes again, this time reluctantly. "Because that's the way it looks to me, Dez. I'm just stating my opinion, that's all."

I huffed and sat back. "Sounds more like you're trying to discourage me, Dai." I opened my mouth to speak again, but cut myself off before I said something that really hurt her. It was odd, looking at this girl whose shell I had tried to break. Now she was close to cracking herself wide open, and I wasn't sure that I wanted to see. A horrible thought, I know. I tried not to cringe.

"I think we should return to the ship now, Deseray." Dätura's voice was so soft and frail, I could barely believe it. I nodded my agreement, and we returned.

On the way back, I considered leaving the planet. If Tori really didn't want to be found, maybe she wanted the whole world to herself as well. Or maybe she really was in trouble. What if her Jedi powers had been disabled, and she was defenseless? My blood went cold. Or maybe she didn't remember me at all… Maybe she sees me, but doesn't know who I am so she hides? What if-

"Deseray, the lock."

I looked up suddenly, and found myself back with the Galaxia. Dätura was touching my arm lightly, asking me to unlock it. I gave her a dazed glance, and opened it. We would stay one more day, then I would go into another Jedi trance and try to locate Tori. Instinctively, I sat in the pilot's chair, and I vaguely noticed that Dätura sat by me in the co-pilot's seat. I kept thinking my thoughts, oblivious to her fiddling idly with some switches, checking this and that.

"Are you mad?" she asked softly, bring me out of my thoughts.

"At you? No, I'm just a bit ... overwhelmed. That's all. And I'm sorry for snapping at you, too." I sighed deeply, flashing her a grin. "It's not your fault I'm all strung out."

There was a pause. Her voice came a bit stronger this time. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

I shook my head. "I don't know..." I rubbed my eyes, feeling rather lost.

I heard her stand slowly, and when I looked up, her eyes were full of fire.

What happened next changed me forever, though I didn't know it at the time.

She placed a hand on either side of the chair I was in, leaning in close to me. "So…" She whispered, warm breath tickling my face. "You and Tori aren't together?" Her voice was oddly playful, making me a little nervous and a little excited.

I shook my head slowly, staring back at her orange coals of eyes. They burned more than ever, with some hidden light that she was only letting me see just now. I couldn't get out of her eyes, even as she leaned closer to me. Something inside made me want to dive in, and drown myself inside of those liquid fire pools of hers.

Something pushed me to ask her why, to get an explanation. Why she was leaning closer and closer, but my mind fogged as I felt hers brush against mine. Softy at first, testing my walls. Then she moved closer to me, our noses almost touching. I swear I could hear my heart pounding inside of my chest as she whispered inside of my mind a million things at once. Asking me if I had seen this coming, asking me if I had cared for her like this, asking me why I didn't tell her things, asking me if I had known the strength of my own charisma.

I held my breath as Dätura's lips brushed mine.

Time stopped.

I think that my mind exploded with the flood of emotion and memories she forced upon me. Everything she had ever done, every little falter she took when I was around was all because of … this.

She kissed me again, and I felt myself light on fire. My throat grew tight and I couldn't breath. She pulled away slowly, gasping heavily against my skin.

"Deseray, I'm sorry, I…" My eyes drifted open just in time to see her retreat into the next room. My mind was still reeling at the suddenness of her advances. Or maybe they weren't so sudden after all…

I followed her quickly, finding her leaning against the table, head turned away from me. I put a careful hand on her pale shoulder, but she spun violently away, facing me fully. Her eyes were desperate.

"Please don't be mad, I just… I couldn't just wait around anymore… Knowing…" Her breath was coming ragged and quick, and she was more emotional than I had ever seen her before.

"Knowing you had a chance, Dätura?" I finished for her softly, stepping closer to her and caressing both her shoulders. She nodded slowly, her eyes calming. "How could I refuse such a girl as yourself, Dai?" I leaned in, smiling as her eager eyes lit up. This time I kissed her, and she wrapped her arms around my waist, pulling me close. This felt so right and so good, it was insane. My head began to spin as she used the Force to set me alight yet again.

She hopped backward onto the table without breaking the kiss, quickly straddling me with her now free legs. I groaned deeply as she began to rock against me. Wave after wave of pleasure washed over my body as she deepened the kiss even more, sending liquid fire into my mouth.

She tasted like honey.

I grasped her tightly, not wanting to let go. I could feel her inside of my mind, caressing, soothing, and turning up the heat. I could feel it deep inside of me now, pulsing out from between my legs and up through my torso.

"Deseray," Dätura gasped out suddenly, her voice throaty and her hands tangled in my hair. She met my eyes, burning with lust. I drowned in orange pools of fire.

Days past, and not once did it cross my mind that her moves on me were sudden. Nor did it cross my mind that I have hardly ever thought of girls in the way I was thinking of Dätura now. I never once considered it to be odd and not once did I question her about it after that day.

We just were, and I stopped thinking for awhile. The air between us was conformable and scarce, if you know what I mean. We kissed, hugged, and held each other. She slept beside me, but we never went too far. I thought it was an act of passion between us, or an act of pure lust. I considered myself attractive, after all… And so was she. For me it was nice to have someone close. And for her… I never knew what it was to her. I never knew the depth of her feelings, and never truly understood her until ... Oh, now I'm getting ahead of myself again.

So we stopped in our search for Tori for a few days, and I convinced myself that if we kept asking around, we would draw a little too much attention to ourselves. I had fun. We went out at night and drank a little and I got into a bar fight, which was over in two seconds flat. I felt really happy for the first time in what seemed like an eternity.

Then the dreams started.

First they were fragments of memories and feelings. Tori and I in a Morbonian bar, stirring up some trouble. Obi-Wan talking about Ani's increasing anger problems to me. My first and only trip with spice, before I decided to smuggle it and not use it. My last drink before Obi-Wan drugged me into stasis. The emotions were there too. Love and betrayal and anger and fear and denial. They were all swirling into each memory while it played before my unwilling mind.

I talked to Dätura about them, or at least, I tried. She attempted to interpret them for me, or help me sleep better, but nothing helped. All the while this kind of unintentional anger at the people who brought me here, myself included. Yes, it had given Dätura and me a chance to be together, but it still kept dangling my last hope in front of my nose, not giving me what I really, really wanted.

So we would go out, and I would inquire and people would give me leads. We almost got in serious trouble before I became more discreet. And Dätura followed without a word, holding my hand possessively. When I looked into her eyes, the anger was burned away, but it soon came back, chilling me to the bone. I know now that she saw what was to become of us, and what was happening to me. I'll never know why she didn't say anything when I got to be short tempered, or when I would swear up a storm for no reason. She would just look at me, and I'd be sorry. I'd do whatever it took to make it right again, even if the person I had hit had already been taken away by a few wary friends, and even if my swearing only continued. Point is I tried, right? Right…

I tried to find Tori. I think that, in a way, I was succeeding when Dätura kissed me for the first time. But then... I got a lead. I got an address. I got the name and species of the lead spice trader of the district. Tori always worked with the biggest and the best, after all. Plus, there were rumors of a strange tattooed girl who kept running planet-side deals nobody thought could be done. I knew it was her, right away. I knew where to find her, and I knew what to do. Just waltz in there, ask for her whereabouts, kick some ass, and get the info after hacking a bit. Or maybe they'd give me enough trouble so I'd actually have to try. I remember thinking that warming up my fighting skills would be a nice change to the usual 'hit-em-and-they're-out' deal I'd been seeing lately.

The night before I planned to seek out the small facility, Dätura did something strange.

She asked me to bring my lightsaber. Ok, so maybe it doesn't seem all the strange now, but at the time, it surprised me. I hardly ever brought it along with me unless I was expecting a big fight. Just walking into a building a mugging a secretary hardly seemed … challenging. And I didn't like to draw attention to the fact that I was trained in the Jedi arts, because then people start expecting things to fly across the room and then they have the incredible desire to kill you. Weird, ne?

So I asked her why, and she said for my protection. I held her, and wondered to myself if she saw something that I didn't in all this. I pushed it aside, though, and the next day I walked down into the lower levels of Corusant. I walked through the door of the building. I noticed a hotel just by it, and considered going in.

Goddess knows to this day, I wish I had.

So I entered, and the first things I noticed were the white, serial walls. The second was the secretary, a Twi'lek, who looked up abruptly upon our entrance. The third and last thing I ever noticed in that building was the scent of death. Thick, black and hazy.

Goddess knows I should have checked the hotel first.

  
  


_End Chapter 9_   
  
My artwork for this chapter:  


Deseray and Dätura kissing | | Deseray and Dätura kissing, in Black and White 


	10. Chapter 10 - Those Who Live and Die by t...

**Chapter 10**   
  
  


"May I help you?" The Twi'lek woman said with strained Basic. "You don't have an appointment, so the Doctor-"

I cut her off with a wave of my hand. "Don't trouble yourself, we know this isn't a doctor's office." I flashed a grin, liking the fearful look that swept over her features for a moment. She hit a button quickly on her keyboard, so I knew we had little time.

I crossed the rest of the office in two long strides, knocking the now unconcealed blaster from her shaking hand. I hit her at just the right spot on the neck, and she was out cold. Poor girl.

I hopped behind the counter, recognizing the system in no time. "They haven't changed much tech-wise in the time I've been gone, ne?" I flashed another grin at Dätura, who was looking more and more unsettled by the moment. I quickly hacked through the password-protected files, searching for anything with a name on it. I got past the main data used to mask the real stuff, but still couldn't find anything. I glanced at the clock. Thirty seconds past. I didn't have a chance.

"Kisama!" I slammed my hand against the computer, and jumped over the counter once more. I grabbed Dätura by the arm, pulling us both towards the door.

Behind us, another door opened and I heard more than saw the security guards come in. Just one more step, and we could run into the shadows. I even had my hand on the door.

From behind, I felt Dätura being pulled back violently, spinning me around to see the two huge, burly men, one of which who had Dätura between his large arms. The other one was reaching out a huge hand for me, which I ducked easily, kicking him in the stomach.

He didn't even budge.

I saw the punch before it was thrown, but my block did nothing. His forearm crashed through me, knocking me into the wall, then to the floor.

"K'so," I coughed, trying to stand after that powerful blow. "Ya' know, we really didn't want any-" The man picked me up by the arm, pushing me against the wall again. "Trouble…" I growled through clenched teeth. The man sneered at me as I attempted to break free, but he was as hard as rock.

I cast a quick, fleeting glance at Dätura before they pushed us through the door from which they had come. Her face was filled with fear.

We were lead through bleached, white halls and around so many corners that I became disoriented. Dätura was putting out a thick feeling of dread, which only made me feel worse. Finally we were pushed into a large, white room with only one door. The men stood by it, staring at us with cold eyes.

I stood between them and Dai, holding her hand comfortingly. She was afraid, though I couldn't really tell why. I had been in worse positions before, and this didn't look too bad. We had our lightsabers and our wits, after all. Dismissing Dai's trembling hand as her worrying for my safety, I glared straight back at the men.

"So, what are ya' planning there, boys?" I scoffed. "Come a little closer and we can show you what we're made of." I laughed a bit.

:: Please don't make them angry, Dez…:: I nearly lost myself as I heard Dai's weak voice inside of my mind. She squeezed my hand a bit harder and moved closer behind me. ::Something bad is going to happen, I can tell.::

I went cold inside for a moment, then hot with anger. Why was she so worried? I could handle this. Where was her confidence when I needed it?

At just that moment, the two men by the door stepped aside, and the door itself opened. A man stepped over the threshold, his chocolate skin and jet-black hair contrasting darkly with the whiteness of the room. He smiled sweetly and knowingly at me, and I realized that he was no older than Dätura, and no taller than I was. He stepped forward, and the men were at his heels. White teeth and the deepest violet eyes flashed as he spoke like song.

"Deseray Sequoia of Rosemary from Morbos, I presume?" He laughed, and I shook. His voice seemed to rattle my very bones. I took a step back as the men came forward, but they proved faster than I had thought. Seizing me and Dätura, they pulled us apart. I tried desperately to get lose, but even my strength was useless against their large arms. I cast glance at Dätura, who was looking to the floor, obvious lacking hope. I was enraged by her lack of faith once more.

"Bastard!" I screamed at the man, glaring with all my might. Screw my ever-lasting mask of smirks and quips. This man was dangerous, and was upsetting Dätura. We needed out. "What gives you the right to capture us like this?!"

He chuckled, and stepped closer. I caught his sweet scent, matching his voice well. "Deseray, you know as well as I do that I'm just being careful." He purred softly as he spoke. "We are both searching for the same thing. Or, perhaps, the same person."

My blood went cold, but I tried to show no sign of it. "I don't know what you're talking about, or how you know my name, but you are either going to let us go, or you're going to see trouble later on." I growled the last few words, and bored my eyes into his. But he just smirked back, reading me like a book.

"Now, now, Deseray," he cooed. "I don't think there's any need for that sort of thing." His smile took on a sour note. "Your friend Tori is in a bit of trouble, and if _you_ don't cooperate, then she might not make it out..." He laughed. "Unharmed, shall we say?"

I almost lost it right then and there. For a split second, I felt a voice other than Dai's in my head, telling me the right path. The path that help and escape lay on. If I could relive that moment again, I think that I might have listened to it. The Dark Side.

"KISAMA!" I yelled, pushed away the dark thoughts as best I could. "BASTARD!" My voice was broken and desperate. This man was keeping me from Tori, and so help me Goddess, I was going to get her back.

::Please!:: Dätura's voice wailed inside of me, faintly and full of grief. ::Don't push the man! He's dangerous…:: Her voice trailed off and I gave her a backward glance. I growled deeply, but she didn't meet my eyes. Hers where glued to the floor, and for a moment, I thought I saw a glimmer of tears form in them.

"Dätura…" I whispered, feeling my heart strings tug painfully.

"Dätura, is it?" The man now stalked towards her. I fought once more with the sons-of-bitches who held me back. It was useless. "Dätura… a very nice name indeed." Her eyes still on the floor, he cupped her chin with his hand, bringing her to look at him. A single tear fell from her eye, and part of my heart died. I struggled harder, but the man only smiled at her. I screamed with rage as he pressed his pink lips to hers, trying with all my being to get free. Dätura winced, and I felt for a moment her mind reel before she completely shut herself down. He let go, and laughed the most of evil laughs I had ever heard up to that point. The large man behind her let her drop to the floor, and the dark man laughed again. Another piece of me died, and I near gave up. He stooped, plucking her lightsaber from her belt. He did the same with my lightsaber, tucking both of them away inside his clean-pressed suit. I couldn't resist, only stare at Dätura, lying helpless on the perfect bleach-white floors.

"So, back to the business with Tori Miller of Zoicite." He continued as if nothing had happened. I felt another presence, one I hadn't felt before, brush against my mind. My eyes flew from Dai to the man standing before me, and I knew it was him. I felt absolute despair. If he could use the Force, then what hope did I have without my lightsaber? I could have cried then, but I only stared back in utter hatred of the man. "You see, my name, that is, the name I use in business, is Pohl. You might have heard of me a bit around town, in your highly indiscrete ways of finding information. I really don't know why a sloppy girl like you hangs with the likes of a talented smuggler like Ms. Miller." I growled. "But then again, nobody is perfect." He waved his hand a bit. "You obviously know," he pressed my mind again, but my defenses held fast. "What has become of your dear friend or partner." He glanced at Dätura suggestively. Though I find it hard to believe that you share your bed with two."

I lashed out again, this time with the Force and my body. But to no avail, because of my lack of skill in the area of moving things with the Force. Pohl patted my head lightly, mocking my attempts at escape or revenge.

"Now, now, Deseray. None of that." He shook his finger at me. "So, I am willing to make you a proposition. Give me the location of one Tori Miller, and I'll let you live. If you refuse, then one of you dies." I looked at him with both shock and hatred, knowing what he meant. At that time, he drew out Dätura's lightsaber, inspecting it. "I trust it won't explode when I turn it on?" He chuckled a bit, before Dätura's voice rung in the air, clearing my mind for the moment.

"Go to hell." The fire in her eyes as they glared at him brought me a spark of hope. Maybe all was not lost.

But he only smiled. "You know more than you let on, little one." Flipping the switch on her weapon, I saw for the first time that it was an amazing blood red. As rich and true as any Sith saber, obviously made to kill. Pohl smiled, and my heart fell once more. I had now seen a part of Dätura that I couldn't understand, and it scared me.

He laughed, seeming to read my mind. "Love is not for a Jedi." He said to me, his voice now stern.

"Those who live by the sword die by it." Dätura spat back. He only shrugged, his eyes not leaving mine.

"So I have heard." His smiled darkened. "Tell me where Tori is." I simply shook my head. "Well, then, I guess I'll have to kill one of you now." He turned to Dätura, who was again brought to her feet and held back by the large man behind her. I began to struggle again, harder than ever, drawing on whatever power I could. I yelled and cried, and began to feel the sting of tears behind my eyes. I would cry much that day.

"This is your sword, Jedi," he whispered, though I don't know how I heard it over my own yells. "So you should die by it." Dätura's face hardened, and she met him gaze for gaze. "But so should she!" With that, he sidestepped once until he was in front of me, and I caught a glance of Dai's panic-stricken face as the red-hot blade fell towards me. Something pushed me from my right side, and…

Dätura taught me many things that day. She taught me of hate and of the Dark Side. She taught me of revenge and bloodshed. She showed me what it meant to be truly loyal, and what it meant to make a sacrifice for love. And yes, most of all, she taught me of love.

The lightsaber cut through flesh and bone and muscle, tearing open the chest cavity and boiling blood the same color as its blade. Agony and the purest of pain coursed through my veins as it continued downward. I didn't have time to yell or cry out. All I could hear was the sound of the blade and of a girl, far away, screaming. My heart was torn and ripped open. I think that I died. But through it all, over the screams and deafly hum of the lightsaber, I heard one voice cry into my mind three words, which I will always remember.

_"I love you."_

Dätura's voice.

At first I didn't understand. I just stood there, faintly noticing that all had gone silent. No more of my screams could be heard, and the other girl's voice had gone away. Just silence besides the hum of the lightsaber, still in Pohl's hand. The man who held me had been knocked to the ground. I just stood there, staring at her. She was so beautiful. With her orange hair, and eyes like fire. But now liquid fire, hot but without life, poured from her like it never should have.

I dropped to my knees. The lightsaber was turned off, and dropped to the floor. I touched her hair, still as soft as ever. Her skin still just as pale. And she was warm to the touch. I leaned down, placing a kiss on her cheek.

She had loved me. Loved me. And now… and now… What had happened? How could this be? Why wasn't she happy that I wasn't killed, and where was Tori when I needed her? Why had Dätura pushed herself into me at the last moment? Had she? Or was this just a clone, making me think that my love was on the floor in front of me, and her killer was laughing over head.

No, this wasn't real. I was going to wake up any minute now and she was going to be there beside me, and we'd kiss, and I'd tell her that I loved her because I did. Then we would make love, and I'd caress her again and she'd cry my name into the darkness of space and and and…

I screamed with all my heart and soul, screamed with everything I had inside of me. I could feel it now, growing. The hatred. The need for revenge. I yelled and screamed and swore to every God and Goddess I knew. And then I screamed more.

The Dark Side gave me strength right then, as I lay on the floor with Dätura's dead body beside me. Her blood was spilling out over the bleach-white floors, soaking my pants and after a while, I felt the tug of hands on my arms. They pulled me away from my lover, and the anger took control.

It was glorious.

I turned suddenly on the large man behind me. His eyes were full of shock. I could feel everything now, absolutely everything. Each heartbeat, each emotion, each move before it was made. The anger inside of me gave me strength. I thew the man to the floor, and turned to the other one. He was filled with shock for a moment. Without another thought, I pushed him against the wall with the Force. He crashed into it with a sickening crack. I smiled.

Turning to Pohl, I laughed a bitter and hate-filled laugh as has never been heard before. I might have spoken, but all I remember are his screams. He was running towards the door. I caught him by his shirt, and brought him to the floor. Easily pinning him with my new strength, I hit him, enjoying the splatter of blood across the white floors. I hit him again, this time knocking out a few of his pearly-white teeth. And I hit him again and again, until his cries where silenced as he slipped into unconsciousness. And still I beat him, breaking his skull and punching through his ribcage. The sound of cracking bone and the smell of blood is intoxicating. I broke him to pieces, near taking off his head with the force of my punches.

I lifted my gaze from the body of former Pohl to the other two men in the room, whose fear I thought amusing. The only door in or out of the room I was blocking, so they were trapped.

Slowly I rose, stepping over their boss's body, and around Dätura's. My heart was numb, and I could only think of killing those who had done that to her.

I beat then like I had beaten Pohl. To the edge of death and beyond, tearing them apart while they still screamed for help. Oh well, I thought. Too bad for them these walls are soundproof. The Dark Side pulsed through my veins, giving me power beyond all reason. It knew my pain, and my need for revenge. With the Light Side, all I was left with was grief. Not so with this evil, this power. This was my path. My path of revenge.

Against the wall first, cracking the bulkheads and moreover cracking their bodies. I kicked them and choked them. With my new power, I broke every bone in their frail, vulnerable bodies. I killed them, brutally and painfully. I will never forget the feeling I had that day, as I took away the lives of those three men. I won't ever forget their faces and their screams. The way that the scent of blood fills your nostrils is something that should haunt me until the end of my days, but I know it will not. Because I killed those men for Dätura.

I turned back to her at last, but by this time her body had gone cold. I was covered in blood, both of hers, mine and those three men. The pool of blood around her was beginning to go hard and dark. I dropped down beside her, and began to cry. I let my tears fall onto her perfect face. My sorrow bent out in waves around me, cracking the walls, floor and ceiling. They bent outwards with the force of my emotions. A voice, deep and hollow inside of me echoed. I had nothing left, and it knew my emptiness. I was going to take my revenge on everyone, and it was going to help me. The Dark Power that had helped me kill Pohl and his men was going to help me yet again. Everyone here would know my pain. Dätura would be avenged in full.

The door to the room slid open, but I didn't turn. I knew who it was by their soft footfalls. Their breathing was labored behind me as they entered the room, the door sliding closed behind them. The blood was overwhelming, I'm sure. But her voice was clear and soft.

"Now, this doesn't seem like you at all, Deseray."

My anger flared, but I didn't dare look at her. "Where have you been?" I growled, trying not to let my hatred lash out at her. "I've been looking…" My voice broke, much to my dismay.

I didn't see her, but I knew she shrugged. "Waiting. Getting some money. I wanted to surprise you when you found me."

I threw my fist against the floor, splashing blood onto Dätura's already torn body and putting a dent in the bulkhead. "KISAMA! I looked _everywhere_ for you!" I stood quickly, nearly throwing myself off my own two feet. My vision was blurry with rage, but I looked her up and down. She hadn't changed a bit. She never wore boots, just a few leather straps around her feet. Tight cotton pants that flared past her knees and hugged her hips still graced her long legs. A slender waist and a too-short blue sleeveless top barely covered her enough. The rest of her was bare, revealing her swirling blue-and-black tattoos and letting her thick brown hair frame her face beautifully.

Tori shook her head slowly. "I ran into some trouble. This man," she gestured to the body of Pohl, "was dabbing in the Dark Side. I tried to stop him, but he had the upper hand. Too many men." She sighed deeply, and her hand tightened on her lightsaber. Her voice became labored. "But now, it's just you and me." Her blade jumped forth, but I did not look at it. I knew that it was a bright white, yet a deep, unseeing black at the same time, making it impossible to look at without becoming dizzy and disoriented. "I guess I'll have to kill you now that you've fallen to evil." She took her fighting stance against me, and for a moment, I was ready to defend myself.

With a thought, I called my lightsaber to my hand, igniting the lavender blade with ease. I never got off all the blood from the wooden hilt, after that. I stood ready to fight, though I didn't really know why. Tori stood before me, her carefully blank face staring back at me coldly. I glared at her with all the hatred I had in me. After all, she had deserted me in my moment of need. She had left me all alone, without my memories. I had looked all over the planet-side for her, across the galaxy, and still no sign of her until now. And now…

"Dätura is dead," I whispered, barely audible over the hum of the sabers. "Because of you. Because… of … YOU!" I screamed at last, throwing myself forward, clashing blades with Tori. I was inches away from her face, and I pushed my lightsaber against hers even harder. She didn't budge, so I pushed her with the Force, throwing her backwards. She landed on her back near two of the dead men, and jumped up again, not even wavered. I ran forward, attacking again. She blocked one, twice, then swiped over me as I slipped down under her blade. I jumped as she aimed low then, and tried to cut her as I came down. She parried, pushing me back a few steps. All the time, no emotion crossed her face, and her eyes were locked on mine. A million different colors swirled in her depths, calling me back to sanity.

"Sanity?" I laughed. "This is sanity! I've got the power to take my revenge for my love, and by the Goddess, I will!"

Tori shook her head. "You've gone mad, Deseray."

I laughed again. "No, I haven't. I've just seen the light."

"You mean the darkness!" Tori's voice and features suddenly turned desperate. I knew that she was serious, and however much she didn't want to kill me, she would. Just to rid the galaxy of a servant of the Dark Side. It didn't matter that it was me she was going to have to destroy. She struck towards me once more, and I almost forgot to block. When I did, it was weak and the force of her blow made me stumble. She tripped me easily with the Force, and I fell backwards, landing in the pool of Dätura's blood.

I gazed up at Tori, her lightsaber posed to deliver the final blow. I would have died on that floor, right beside my lover, at the hands of my best friend had it not been for my tears.

I began to cry again. I flipped off my weapon, and let it clatter and splash to the wet floor. I sobbed, covering my face with my blood-soaked hands. I heard Tori's lightsaber go off with a whoosh. My heart was throbbing with pain and agony was shooting through each of my veins. I wanted to die, to join Dai in the world beyond.

"I'm sorry, Dez." I heard Tori's voice far off, beyond my sobs. "I can't do it." My hands fell to my sides, and I stared blankly at the ceiling. I cried until I couldn't cry any longer.

Rolling onto my side, away from Dätura's body, I slowly pushed myself to my feet. I looked at Tori, whose eyes were clouded over with sorrow. I could barely breath, barely stand. I took one step in her direction, and stumbled. Tori caught me as I fell, despite my blood-soaked clothes. She held me tightly as I wrapped my arms around her waist. I began to sob dryly against her chest. I wanted to kill everyone, including myself, to avenge Dätura, but Tori was holding me back. She was trying to save me for some reason. I couldn't understand the world any longer. Sounds began to fade and all I could feel was pain. Etching it's way into my bones and cramping my muscles. She cooed and soothed me until I stopped shaking at long last. I tried to talk, tried to tell her to let me die, but she shushed me. Lifting me into her arms, she helped me out of the room and down the corridor. She led me outside without comment, and when she drew from her pocket a small detonation switch, I knew what she was about to do. I couldn't stop her.

About five blocks from the compound, she pressed the switch, sending the entire building owned by the former Mr. Pohl into flames.

~~`~{@ 

I woke in a warm bed, in the dark. I could barely feel the covers around me, or the soft vibrating of the hyperdrive, but I knew both were there. My breathing was labored and stiff, and each breath brought new pain. At first I was disoriented, not knowing quite what had happened. I came to the conclusion that I had been in a bad fight, and all of that had been a dream. There was no girl named Dätura, and there were no stasis tubes. I would roll over, putting my feet onto the Galaxia's floor, and maybe I would replicate some breakfast. Yeah, eggs and toast… Tori would like that.

I tried to move, but the pain flared. It must have been some fight. I wonder where Tori is, I thought.

"I'm here." Her voice cut like sharp glass into my mind, and it touched on so many memories and feelings that my heart broke once more. A sob escaped from my lips. It was no dream…

"I don't want to live." My whisper was well heard in the darkness.

"I know."

Anger flared inside me. "Then why don't you let me die?" I said through clenched teeth. I tried again to move, but it seemed like all my body was on fire.

"Because you're the only one who understands me." Her voice was sad, but confused. But I understood that all of her mind was telling her that I was just another agent of the Dark Side, while her heart was telling her to be kind to me. Tori is just the kind of person, you see, who would serve the Light Side of the Force through killing those who serve the Dark Side. That would include me, as well.

I nodded, despite the flaring pain in every joint. I had to build the strength to end it. I had to keep my anger in check so I could use all that self-hatred building in me. I had to hang on just a little longer.

I called for my lightsaber with what was left of my soul, and in spite of the pain, I lifted my hand to meet it. But it never came. I tired again, calling it with my mind. Again, it didn't come. I could feel it across the room, lying on the floor where Tori had dropped it. I let my hand fall, and I heard Tori sigh. She had been holding her breath.

"You need to sleep. You're weak." I felt, faintly, beyond the pain and anguish which seemed like the entire universe to me now, Tori's hand lay against my brow for a moment. It felt like ice against my burning skin. Then it was gone, and I remembered no more.

_End Chapter 10_


	11. Chapter 11 - Back Again

****

Chapter 11

I awoke, and slowly stood. The world moved around me, drifting soundlessly. Tori stared at me from the table. I took a step forward, and it was not as hard as yesterday. Yesterday when all I could do was open my eyes and wish for an end to this torture. Another step, and I breathe. Not so bad… Just one step at a time, and I'm all right.

I made it to the table this time. I should eat. Yes, Tori, I know. But I'm not hungry.

"You haven't been hungry for days." I nod, knowing what she said before she said it. "Food is good. It keeps you alive." There was humor in her voice, and I tried my best to smile at it. I failed.

She understands, but she doesn't. Why is it that I always end up with the walking contradictions? First Tori, then _her_ and even I myself am one. Tori fixed a pint for me, and a glass of Morbonian Red for her. I only held it lovingly, not daring my stomach to take a drink. She knows what I'm thinking, like she always does, and lets it be for a time.

The hyperdrive hums. Something in the cockpit beeps once, then goes silent. Tori sipped her wine nervously, pushing me to say something at long last.

"Where are we going?"

Part of the tension leaves the room.

"Yavin 4."

I nodded. "You know what happened while we were… asleep?" My voice was labored and sluggish, like I had a sponge for a tongue, but I managed the sentence.

She sighed, her voice turning annoyed. "I wish Kenobi were here so I could kick his Jedi ass."

This time, her humor got a slight smile out of me, but I felt the guilt rise up and it quickly faded. Tori noticed, and changed the subject.

"Would you like to go to Morbos instead?" She sounded almost excited. "We could see what's changed in the city, then maybe take one of those tours on the ocean that we never got to." Her old smile came through then, and I felt, for a split second, like living. Her eyes flashed blue as the seas and skies from whence she came, then literally glowed like light of a hundred stars. Something caught in my throat, and I realized that it was a laugh. I let it out, and her eyes faded to a warming orange-purple gradient.

"You know we don't have the money for that." It didn't need to be said, but for the moment, talking like normal people seemed like the right thing to do.

Tori shook her head proudly, tossing brown locks this way and that. "I took a run through the Capital District, and got a shit-load of money! Enough to buy us a few days on a high-class yacht. We could take it around the planet, maybe, and see the waters for ourselves. And maybe, if there's a storm…"

"We could see them Ride the Lightening…" I finished for her when she paused whimsically. Talking of the Galaxia, the species who were born of the oceans and lived their hundreds of years of life in the atmosphere, brought a special kind of spark into her eyes. The light in them was now that of electricity, and I longed for it to last forever. I could survive here, next to her. I could drink of her voice and feast of her eyes. It was a deep kind of love that we shared. We understood what was not to be understood between friends, and kept a distance that a lover couldn't stand. It was never too much to ask, though, as I'm sure Tori would take me to her bed if I did. But I didn't want to ask, for I knew what would become of us if that happened. We could be happy together, of course, but it would destroy us both. I would too often get drunk off of her, she would become violent in her affections, and we would welcome it all until it killed us.

The thought brought me back to reality, and the joy in the room faded. Tori sighed, and shook her head solemnly.

We need to talk about this. I know, Tori, I know. But…

I choked back a sob. It's too much! Just too much…

"No, it's not, Deseray. Please," Tori's cool skin met mine, covering my hand with hers over the mug of beer. "You're not the kind of person to give your heart away like you did." I tried hard not to crush the glass in my hands. "Especially not to another girl."

I felt my heart go cold as she spoke, because I knew it was true. Rarely had I ever lusted after another girl. Most of the people I had gone after in all my years of wild, teenage hormones where male. This was, on my planet, considered quite odd. Due to the over-population of Morbos in their early space-history, the spirit of the planet (as we called her, the Goddess) had decided to … slow the birth rate of its inhabitants. Besides that, culture deemed it odd if you didn't at least consider both sexes. After all, who would want to limit themselves to the pleasures of just one? I suppose that is why I was always a bit … off, even on my homeworld.

But in this realization that Tori had brought upon me, I curled inside of myself once again. How could this be? How had I never thought of it before? Those eyes of flame, they had brought me into their trap, and had laid their holder bare. It was all I could ever do not to fall in love with _her_ on the spot. And I wondered, right then, if I really had at all.

"Did I ever … really…?" I gasped as I realized I was speaking aloud. I pulled my gaze up to Tori's, feeling the serenity of her mind wrap around me like a blanket. I lost part of my fear right then, looking into her smoke-gray eyes, flecked with gold. She reached inside of me, pulling away my barriers. And in my mind, I could feel something wash away. Her presence became clear and soothing.

"Of course you did, Deseray." She said to me, choosing to speak aloud. "I'm just saying that I was surprised to see you with her."

For a moment, I think I stopped being. My heart ceased to beat inside me, my ears stopped hearing, and I couldn't take a breath. My eyes even flickered for a moment, in and out of oblivion. With _her_? With… what was _her_ name again? That girl with hot coals for eyes and flame for touch? Who was she? Did I know her at all?

I shook my head slowly as reality melted back, uncertain that it wanted me at all. "Maybe I loved her…" I trailed off.

"The best way you knew how." Tori finished for me. I nodded weakly.

So tired…

"How long… until we get to Yavin?" I finally croaked. Unconsciousness was trying to claim me again.

Tori shrugged, taking another sip of her wine as she leaned back in her seat. "Another five hours at least."

I nodded. That gave us time to talk. Tori sighed, knowing what I wanted, like she always did.

She took a deep breath before speaking. "I was following you for at least a week. You and her didn't exactly keep a low profile. I was also running from Pohl's ring of smugglers. Pohl himself is an odd guy, and I'm sure you guessed at his Force abilities right away. He's self-taught, I'm guessing. Which is a good thing in one way, because of his power. If he had been caught under a Sith lord, there's no telling what he could do. He was only a big-wig to the smuggling world, and now that he's dead, he's not a threat at all. As for his ring, they do real high-class stuff, not much of the things _we_ mess around with." She let out a dry chuckle. "Anyway, they got pissed when I took out one of their higher dealers of spice on Morbos. Apparently, they have some sort of operation there that most of the regular smugglers don't know about. I took in the shipment for the Corellian I took down, but they weren't too happy. I got to make a few high-profit deals before they got word out against me. And to the 'feds, for that matter." She laughed, her eyes sparkling blue-silver. "Corusant is a bitch. At least that hasn't changed!"

I nodded slowly, inwardly amused by her story. I took a chance at taking of sip of my beer, but the taste of it didn't settle too well, so I just held it some more. Then I asked the question that had been burning me for a long while. "Why did you leave Yavin without me?"

She paused, and the mirth faded from her face quickly. "I… didn't know what was going on. I recovered quickly, after jacking an X-wing from the hanger. Only about a day without my memories, really." Her face brightened slightly. "I'm really not sure how I got past the Republic ships, but I did. Guessing that Master that I saw had something to do with it."

I let out a shuddering breath. So she hadn't left me on purpose. Of course not, Dez. Why would you think that? I'm not sure, I just… So much has happened, and I…

"Goddess, Deseray!" Tori exclaimed before I could beat myself anymore with my big, mental stick. "I'm here now. Calm down." Tori put a comforting hand on my shoulder until I could regain my self a bit. "Now, what exactly happened to _you_ while I was off wheeling and dealing?"

I told her of everything, from the time I woke up until the time I left Yavin. She knew the rest from word-of-mouth and the fact that she had been tracking me with the Force. When I was done, her haze-blue eyes told me to sleep. I was so tired, after all. All this talking and moving, it was wearing me down. So I took to bed for a time, until we reached the Jedi Academy. Somehow I slipped into sleep, despite the images of _her_ behind my eyes.

***

Such liveliness! Such health! Such serenity! Oh, how I love the flow of sleep to the weary mind. As if an ocean of carelessness and forgetfulness has engulfed you, and you can do nothing but wade in it's delightful waters forever. Of course, sleep ends, and the Force reminds you then that you are not part of an ocean, nor are you in good health, nor are you in any way serene. It, in fact, tells you right out that you are a mortal trapped in a mortal body, doomed to live a mortal life where anything _but_ life breeds in abundance.

So I awoke that morning, with the fogginess of sleep still deep-set in my mind, and realized that the hyperdrive was not humming. In fact, there was little sound around the cabin at all. I could not even hear Tori as she hummed. But I felt her, somewhere off in the sickbay/washroom/storage area to my left, so I stood.

Then I stopped, and sat back down.

Then I stood again.

And, for a moment, I was almost relieved. The dizziness and aching pain had gone from my body and mind for a time, and it was revitalizing.

For a moment.

A voice came through the air, light and boyish, like he hadn't known a care in all his life. "It's a special day, you know." It was coming from the open hatchway, where sunlight was streaming through. I crept forward carefully, suddenly weak in the knees. "Only once every five or ten years does this kind of day happen. With no gas giant, only the sun." I reached the doorway, and gazed down the ramp at the figure seated there. My heart was in my throat, and for a moment, I smelt blood.

Luke sighed. "It's like you're on a planet, instead of a moon…" His voice trailed off, becoming more laden with years and worries. "You came back." The change in tone made me flinch.

"Yes," I choked out at last. He rose from his position at the end of the ramp, and turned, ever so slowly, to face me. Not being able to meet his eyes, I leaned heavily on the hatchway. His words froze me, and I could hear the hiss of a lightsaber in his voice.

"She's dead because she went with you. I don't blame you, Deseray, but I can't say that I don't see you as innocent in this matter." He approached me, and I took a step backward. Reaching out, I thought he was going to hit me. When a light, though callused, hand brushed my cheek I was started into looking into his eyes. They were clear and cool, their blue depths portraying none of the rage that I had been sure would be there. They were, instead, steady and sad. A melancholy that can only come when a teacher looses a student, and has no one to blame for the loss. I glanced at his hand, and noticed a drop of water on the tip that had touched my cheek. When had I started crying? I closed my eyes quickly to stop the tears from flowing.

"Did you bring her back?" I sobbed harder, this time against his shoulder as he took me in his arms. "Deseray, did you bring her back?"

I shook my head, and grasped his cloak. "I'm … so s-sorry… Luke, p-please! I'm just s-so sor-ry!" Had I really been feeling well a moment ago? Had I really been sleeping peacefully for a time? How could I have, with my guilt in _her_ death? I cried and cried, until my head felt as if it would split in two and my eyes burnt with so many tears.

"Deseray," Luke's voice cut through my sorrow. "It's not your fault. She went with you and sacrificed herself out of her own free will. You mustn't blame yourself for her death." His hands stroked my back carefully, and I could feel the Force flowing along my mind, soothing me. I hung onto my guilt and self-loathing, though, knowing that no one can or should take that away from me.

And so I sobbed dryly into his chest for a long time, letting his sooth me, but not too much. After a while, I heard him faintly speaking and Tori answering. Light, familiar hands pulled me away, and I near collapsed in Tori's arms. She sat me down at our booth-type table, draping my Jedi robe over my shoulders.

Tea? Beer? Food? No, not now. Maybe… later. Much later. Tori nodded.

I received my satchel from her absently, and in a daze, I was led out into the sunlight of Yavin 4. It must have been beautiful, but all I could see was gray.

So many days passed there. I rarely spoke, or ventured out of the room provided for me. Tori helped out around the place, and brought me my meals. She told me of the goings-on, but I didn't listen. I didn't want to feel anything anymore.

I remembered when I first awoke. It was so nice, that blanket of darkness and forgetfulness. And though not being able to recall my life, it was soothing in the way that I didn't feel any obligations towards others. I was just me, whoever 'me' was. Oh, how I longed to just forget.

I confronted Erin and Corban after a few weeks. Sad, solemn eyes wouldn't let me be for day afterwards. Their words were sweet and consoling, but I could tell how much they grieved for _her_. It was maddening, and at last, I couldn't take it any longer.

The ritual for paying respects was over. It was held atop the Great Temple, _her_ favorite place to sit. _Her_ friends got over their grief after a few months enough to live day by day. Tori liked living at the Academy. Teaching the students of the ways of the Jedi of old was amusing for her.

And I still cried myself to sleep at night.

I called out _her_ name sometimes, catching myself before I could scream it.

I took long walks through the jungles, marveling at the light gravity and how the planet held together without that one orange-haired beauty atop it. The beauty that had destroyed itself for me.

I thought of death often. Of sharp knifes and lightsabers and blood. Of drowning and falling from great heights. I cut myself 'on accident' more than a few times, always fearing that Tori would figure out what I was trying to do, and do something to stop me.

I wanted to be stopped.

I wanted to die.

It all got to be too much. The flat, gray eyes of Erin and Corban. Tori's worried looks. Luke's constant 'friendly visits' to see if I was 'adapting' well enough.

So I made a plan. It was a quick plan, with not many variables. I just had to go on a walk to a certain part of the jungle a few kilometers away. No big deal, and nobody would suspect a thing, until it was far too late and I was at peace.

It was a nice day, mocking me with its sunshine and cloudless sky. It wasn't too humid out, just how I liked it. The planet hung low in the sky, and the sun was at about noon. The light was slanted and burning from above at the same time, giving the air an odd feeling. Truth to tell, I really didn't mind this planet too much.

My place in the jungle was about 4 kilometers east of the Great Temple. It was near one of the smaller temples, though this one in particular was forbidden. It was made entirely out of black volcanic glass, and surrounded by a lake that looked infinitely deep. Great pillars lay just below the surface of the water, so when you walked across them, it looked like you were walking on water. According to Luke, the temple had been one built especially for a great Sith Lord (whose name escapes me – I'm bad with those types of things) in the ancient days of the Republic. Had I paid attention in my early History courses when I was a padawan, I would have perhaps remembered more about him.

So, as you might expect, not much liked to grow around this place. Only thorny bushes, thick, course grass, and many a poisonous plant.

This last thing, of course, was what I was after.

There was a small, though not hard to find, weed that liked to grow around the edges of the lake. So I ventured to look for it, with its soft green leaves and thick, milk-filled stems. It seemed innocent enough, and I plucked one up while planting myself at the lake's edge. Yes, this would do nicely.

The sun was out and a slight breeze blew. I turned one of the leaves over in my hand, running my fingers along its fuzzy surface. Five more minutes and this pain would be gone. I could feel it welling inside of me again, eating me away. Soon enough and there would be nothing left for it to eat.

I sniffed the leaf, liking the earthy fragrance it had. I loved space and living on a starship, but I also loved the earth. Had I been raised on Morbos, I'm sure I would have rarely left.

Taking the leaf up to my mouth, I bit into it cleanly. Sweetness flowed over my tongue… The same tongue I had kissed _her_ with. I chewed quickly, wanting the pain to stop. Tears came down my face, and I felt like screaming. Honey, so much honey, as I ate the rest of the plant. I swallowed.

Soon I would be dead.

It came slowly at first. Separating me from the sunlight until I was chilled in the warm air. Blackness swirled over my vision, and a rotting taste came back into my mouth as my body reacted to the deadly poison I had set inside of it. I fell backwards, trying to blink through the dimness to see the sky once more. It was gray looking, but through it all, I could trace out a single ship making its way in orbit. Just like_she_ and I had done that first day when we met…

Goddess, take me now. Bile came into my mouth as I tried to throw-up, but I wouldn't let myself. Not now. Not so near the end…

My love, where did you go? How could I think that we had time together, so much time? It ended so soon, so quickly, I couldn't … I couldn't tell you how I felt! I wanted to fall in love with you, deep in love, but why did you save me? I can't go on… No! Please…

All was black, and I felt myself getting colder. Where was my angel now? Why had she left me to die…?

A scream. A voice. Then darkness claimed me, and all was silent and still.

***

Was I dead?

I wished. I wished badly that this were death.

But something tugged at my arm, and I felt the life around me. I opened my eyes to the partly lit room, and cursed the day I was born.

Deep, black eyes stared into mine. Disgust shown clearly on Tori's face, and she looked away.

"Deseray…" Was all she could choke out at first. I sighed. Damn her and her well-trained mind. She had felt my pain and seen what I was to do before I had ever set out that day. I saw that then, lying in that bed. I should have known I couldn't escape her love for me.

She looked at me again. "That's right," she said roughly. "I love you. So don't you go killing yourself before I'm ready for you to leave me." She cracked a smile at that. Galaxia lived far longer than humans, after all.

I shook my head. "I can't take the pain…"

A bark of laughter silenced me. "Stand up. You're not injured."

I complied slowly, tossing aside the blankets and standing beside her.

"Deseray," she said slowly, taking me in. Her eyes had changed to a dark rainbow of cool shades. "Why can't you accept her gift to you?" I shuddered, and looked away. How could she say that so calmly? "She gave you the gift of life, for without you, she was nothing. Can't you see that?" She chuckled softly. I shook my head.

"She only gave up herself for a person she thought could live without her, and –"

"No, Deseray!" Tori shook my shoulders lightly, though her voiced raised to a volume it rarely did outside of jest. "She loved you. _Loved_ you! With all her being! And do you think she could have lived, knowing she could have saved you? No, of course not!" Tori sighed deeply, and I chanced a look in her eyes. Deep love shown there. The kind meant for friends and life mates. For me.

I choked on my voice. "Tori, I…"

She shook her head to silence me. Griping me fiercely, she pulled me into a hug. I hung onto her tightly as well, burying my face in her hair.

"_I_ love you, Dez." She said softly. "And I promise you, we only need each other." I nodded slowly, knowing that within her voice I could manage to go on. That somehow, though I would never forget that beautiful girl who eyes I could have lost myself in, I could learn to live again.

And in some way or another, she had taught me how.

***

"Engines?"

"Cheak."

"NavComp?"

"Cheak."

"Planet Nav?"

"Cheak."

"Hyperdrive?"

"Cheak."

"Blasters?"

"Double cheak."

"Ridding ourselves of half-feline little boys who insist on hanging out where they aren't supposed to?"

I laughed at this last comment from Tori. Corban, sitting across from me in the co-pilot seat, had taken every chance to help us with the preparations for our departure. He whine/purred softly before bowing his head.

"Common, you heard her, Corban." I chided softly, patting him on the shoulder.

He met my eyes sadly. "You'll come back and visit, right?"

I couldn't help but smile. "Of course. Goodbye for now, though." He nodded grinning widely. Then he was gone, half-pouncing out of the cockpit and down the gangplank. Ever since Tori and I had decided to leave after four months at the Academy, Corban had been the one to spend the most time with us. Erin kept her distance, though she was not unkind. I was sure she still grieved over her friend, though, so I let her be.

At the mention of _her_, I sighed heavily, letting my smile fade. The pit inside of my heart still screamed at me at night, and I still cried often. I still was withdrawn and quiet compared to my normal self, but I was trying. _She_ would want it that way.

So I warded off of the darkness for the umpteenth time that day, and ran a last systems check. Everything was in order, and we even had some new parts for the ship.

I called to Tori and she came wandering into the cabin, shutting the door behind her.

"Everything's in order." She said cheerfully, sitting down I the co-pilot's seat. We both strapped ourselves in leisurely, in no mood to hurry. I contacted the New Republic ships in orbit, and they gave us clearance for lift-off. I lifted the ship off the small, forest moon and gradually into orbit.

"Where-to this time, Dez?" Tori flashed me a grin, eyes shining a loving green to match mine.

I shrugged. "Corusant or Morbos?" She laughed.

"Naw, something different!" I headed out into open space, beyond the gas giant and mining station. She sighed. "How about Dantooine? That's a nice planet."

I shook my head. "Not in the mood for nice places today." The darkness tried again to creep up on me, and I gave part of myself into it. Just for now, I said…

"Too bad!" Tori chirped, startling me a bit.

"Huh?"

"To Dantooine!" She cried, one arm held high above her head. "There _have_ to be at least _some_ spice junkies in a nice place like that!" Her manic grin set me aside from where I'd been for the past four months, and I allowed myself a smile against the darkness in my heart.

"All right, then. Dantooine it is."

The stars bent around us, and for a moment, I was at home. Tori was beside me at long last, and I was at home. I sighed, casting a thought out into space for the one I still grieved for deep in my heart. The last line of the Jedi Code…

_There is no death; There is the Force._

****

~ * ~ END ~ * ~


	12. Author's Notes :D

'There and Back Again' Author's notes  
  
  
_written by Jessie, aka the Ice Cream Assassin_   
  
  
** READERS: THIS CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR THE FIC AND REFERS TO MAJOR PLOTS TWISTS. DO NOT READ THIS PAGE UNLESS YOU HAVE READ THE ENTIRTY OF THE FIC!**

  
The fic got it's name after something I once read in a book. I was on chapter 10 I believe, when I went to see 'The Lord of the Rings', and realized that I had taken the name from Bilbo's book without remembering it. I've felt a little weird about it ever since, Tolkien being a God and all, but it was completly unintentional. Really! I hadn't read 'The Hobbit' since 5th grade, after all.   
  
Anyway, on to the actual fic. Deseray Sequoia from the House of Rosemary is my Jedi, who was originally thought up after the movie 'Star Wars: Episode One' came out. Me and my dear friend Jaymz imagined a duo who were kind of like rebel Jedi at Luke's Jedi Academy. This changed when I saw the movie again, though, because I wanted them to know Ani and Kenobi. So that's how this fic got started... Just me planning the history of my Jedi, Deseray. Jaymz' charater is, of course, Tori Miller from the House of Zoicite.   
  
I made up Dätura because I needed someone to shake Deseray. This is, of course, rather hard to do. I modeled her after what I originally wanted Deseary to be like. But after I changed Deseray to a quick-tounged spice smuggler whose smile lasted as long as her list of swears, I was open to placing those charateristics on someone else. I chose Dätura for Deseray's short-termed lover, and eventually the subject of Deseray's torment, because she seemed to fill a gap inside of her that she was missing since her loss of Tori. And it is only fitting that the two major women is Dez's life never meet. After all, as is explained in chapter 11, Deseray's passion never comes fully to touch Tori because it would destroy them both in the end. As you can see, I've put was too much thought into this for it to be healthy! ^-^;;   
  
Sorry if Erin and Corban didn't get as much play as you might have liked. Erin is my friend Erin's charater (duh) and Corban is my friend Jupiter's. We planned them out a bit, and I decided to give them a small semi-cameo. As for Tori's short appearence, she is such a complicated charater, it's hard to write her doing things. Writing someone talking about her is easier, and Dez thinks about her a lot, so yeah. Heh. Also, when Dez dreamed of the girl laughing, that was Tori.   
  
As you can imagine, if Dez had taken up the power of the Dark Side to find Tori, she would have found her right away, and also would have gotten her memories back before chapter 6. As it is, Dez resists it until all hope seems lost. Under normal circumstanes, Tori would have killed anyone she found dabbing in the Dark Powers, but since she saw the love between Dez and Dai, she resisted this one time. Dez is only partly healed when she leaves the Academy once more with Tori to take up their previous life. I was thinking about taking it farther, but that's not what I wished to do. That would call for a sequel, or something from Tori's POV. *ahem* Enter, Jaymz! :D   
  
Special thanks to Jaymz-sama, Maria and Erin-sama who kept me writing. I would have stopped this long ago if I knew nobody was reading/enjoying. Thanks for all your feedback. I'm expecting some from all you people out there who I don't know, also! This is my first long finished fic, so yeah ^-^;; That includes you too, Andy-man! :P   
  
**_Thank you everyone! I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I did writing!_**   
  



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